Dear anita

At the doctor’s office a few years ago, when you expressed to her a problem you had with the prospect of finding a job, she said: “don’t add to my problems, I even have to get your sister married once you are done”. – she said that to me when i said i did not want to get married.

“I have to do this, I have to wait here! I hate my life!” – i know she was not thinking that because I can sense it from her when she is in that state. But yes, there have been times when she did not want anymore of this life.

I am a problem to her at some times – when i disagree with her and not do what i ought to do by her definition. And at those time she holds up the distorted mirror.

As for why I am not able to just leave and simply pay her in return for what she has done for me ? I do not know – maybe because she is my mother and I love her, I don’t know how to override that emotion. Even imagining that – it made me go numb – i can’t really explain that.Maybe I am not angry enough? and I am grateful to her and don’t think money can pay back what she has done for me. I know you told me early on to be loyal to the truth and not my mother. And I am doing just that – the truth is she hurt me a lot but she also took care of me – as you said nobody is 100 percent cruel.

I absolutely see that she has hurt me and she  has been selfish. But perhaps I could simply stop looking for my reflection in her? What if she was my roommate and not my mother? I let go of that expectation and instead appreciate her kind acts? She is only able to hurt me since I let her right? I am an adult now. I could decide what my reflection should be. I will not continue to live with her but perhaps she could be an old friend or an ex-roommate.

And I hope you don’t see this as me blocking my own growth. I want to consider the possibility that I could still love her and be a part of her life from a distance. Do you think that could work?

Girija