Dear Gijira:

I knew it would happen, of course I knew because I’ve been in this process, what I call the healing process for years, since 2011. Let’s see what happened:

-less than two days ago you wrote: “I just needed to allow myself to risk feeling pain- .. Fearing the pain and staying as I am will keep me away from the joy I could experience. I am starting to believe in the adventure and the blue sky you described anita. I am finally able to admit to myself that the nest is suffocating, I just needed to know that my wings were strong enough. I do now, and would also not mind falling as I try to reach the sky. It gives me hope”.

-less than two days later: “It’s back- the hopelessness- I don’t know what to do… I am sick of never getting it right. I don’t want to engage in the world anymore. My life is so pathetic, happiness is so easy to break, it hurts more than before. I feel like a loser, trying too hard to make my life work, and I am reminded of what I really am.. It is too hard. There is nothing to cling to”.

A bit about me very recently: I had a good day yesterday, felt calmer than ever, but then, maybe I was tired, a thought occurred to me, something in my body felt uncomfortable and… fear went up a bit, next thing I knew I felt the need to wash my hands (an OCD compulsion) and such. And I gave in to the compulsion, at night I slept poorly and here I am at the computer, tired, not refreshed. But I told myself earlier in the morning, before getting on the computer: the old pathways were activated a bit yesterday. But I built new pathways, many heathy pathways and made a lot of progress, a whole lot of healing (that is new pathways), that I am not like I was before. The old pathways don’t disappear but the new pathways added make it impossible for me to go back to the way I was before. Therefore I expect to have a good enough day today, to  not sink back into OCD rituals. I will continue to heal.

Back to you: “I just needed to allow myself to risk feeling pain”- unfortunately there is a lot more pain for you to feel, feeling it once does make it weaker. Now that it is back, feel it again, don’t try to run away from it and don’t make decisions when in the midst of this pain.

Healing and spreading out your wings is a long term projects. I am guessing that if you persist and you don’t give up, you will be able to fly when you are still in your twenties!

Don’t be discouraged by how you feel today, it is a necssary part of the healing process and it is not possible to magically heal. In order to really heal, work needs to be done now while you are in despair. This work cannot be done unless you feel despair, this is why it is a necessary part of healing.

The work that needs to be done now is to examine your regret, these pathways of regret that were triggered at work (“Should I have been working parallelly on the new thing to protect it from getting snatched”) –

Tell me about the origin of this regret, what did you regret so intensely in  your young life?

anita