Dear Ai:

You wrote: “I feel like he did not even give me a chance to meet his culture”-

– it is a nice word, “culture” when it comes to traditional foods and a family sitting together having a traditional meal in a home decorated in a certain traditional way. But when culture is about parents raising their children (usually older son, if I understand correctly) as investments, so that when their children are of a certain age, they will take care of their parents forevermore, then it is about parents owning their children for life, investing and reaping their return-on-investment.

“There is a huge pressure from his parents as they expect him to take care of his siblings and them. He said that he owes his parents..”- that is what they instilled in him, that he owes them.

I suppose he enjoyed a temporary freedom from being owned by his parents when he lived in Europe and now he must “live with them and take care of them”

“He said it is not life I expected for myself and for (our) kids and that he doesn’t wanna ruin my life… He said he wants me to move with him to his country but he knows he can’t ask this from me as I would be unhappy with his family and their requirements”- I think he is correct. He knows that you will be unhappy with his family and their requirements because he is unhappy with his family and their requirements.

And I believe he is correct, that you will be unhappy living with his family, seeing how unhappy he is, for one. Basically the two of you and your children will be owned by his parents. He will be financing his parents and his siblings as he lives with you and your children, less money for you and your children.

Maybe he was hoping throughout the years in Europe that this will not be his future, maybe he put it out of his mind best he could. It is not a future that he wanted!

My suggestion: if you can’t convince him (without arguing) to stay in Europe with you, to free himself from this burdensome, horrible ownership, this familial slavery aka culture, then let him go. What else can you do.. his guilt and sense of owing-his-parents is just too strong.

But living with him and with his family, that is not a life a free person would choose, only a person raised to believe it has to be done.

anita