Dear anita

I 100 percent agree my mom did not make a good parent, and that the longer I stay with her the more i am prolonging the damage.

To move or to do anything with my life – including moving/ finding another job I need to overcome a few things which my mom has a role in causing but she sure cannot solve it nor can I by simply acknowledging she caused it.I need to get into action. I am blocked there, severely. I think i know why –

I hate my life. I reeeally hate it. I hate my childhood, i hate my family, i hate my co workers, i hate that i have to get a job and go do it no matter what mental state i am in. I hate that I did not get to have a breakdown (which was externally visible) like the rest of my family did. I hate the criticism i receive for just being. I hate the criticism for trying. I hate that I have to try when i am broken inside. Why should i try at all? All these people in my life don’t care about me. I hate that. I care, why can’t they? And it is not about meeting new people. Everybody is like this – people treat you based on how they size you up – i hate that.

I hate how i have never achieved anything. I hate the people who define what i should achieve. I hate that i cannot do anything about that. I hate that there is nothing to back myself up in the outside world as valuable – at work mainly. Naturally i feel triggered when someone gets ahead or I am pressured to achieve something i don’t want to achieve. Is it their fault? Nope. Is it mine? Noope. I don’t care whose fault it is. I hate my life. I should then probably change it right? I hate that i am not able to. What do i change it to? What do i change to?

I hate that i am damaged. I hate that i have to pretend to not be damaged. I hate that the external signs of damage are funny to other people. I hate that the damage makes me less valuable and more prone to disdain.  I hate that it is so hard for people to mind their business. I also hate that people are so into self preservation they will throw you under a bus. I hate that my purpose is for somebody to get something out of me. I feel used – at work that will continue if it is a different job. At home – well i will be a lonely spinster anyways, i will hate that. I hate that I am unattractive, unproductive, anti social, not smart enough etc.

I want to change everything but none of it can truly be changed. I hate that. I don’t want to be me anymore.

This is what i have after close to a week of turmoil.

Girija