Dear marthams:

I have experience with people exhibiting the behaviors you described on the part of your grandmother, a whole lot of it so I feel qualified to answer your question about your grandmother’s tears:

– every person, no matter how cruel and how deceitful, still feels sad at times, still feels a desire at times, be it for food or for kind words, for attention, still feels all the emotions we all do. So your grandmother, when you see tears in her eyes, she likely feels sad or happy but she is also thinking, right before crying or right after something like: they can see that I am crying… good! They can see that they hurt me and I hope they feel bad about it… now what will they do about it?

So the emotion is there and the manipulation. Let’s say she really felt sad and tears appeared in her eyes, the moment she thinks the manipulative thoughts, her emotion is no longer genuine, now it is forced and probably doesn’t appear genuine anymore.

It is better that you decide on your own position regarding your grandmother and other family members and not … try to please your mother who is trying to please her mother!

One more thing, regarding what your mother told you: “perhaps we should call her or something.. she is getting old and in case something happens..”… we will have this guilt forever“-

-not true: it is not only grandmother who is getting old, or older, we all do. It is not only grandmother who will die, and therefore, no one will live forever with guilt or with any other emotion. Better we all live the rest of our lives with the least suffering possible. When a grandmother’s agenda is to bring unnecessary suffering into our lives, better unnecessary we don’t avail ourselves to her.

anita