Dear V:

If I understand correctly, you are a student living at home with your parents and brother, you have “an amazing boyfriend” and your “relationship is fine”, but you suffer from rOCD, not as intensely as you did before, but still.

About six or seven months ago, your home and school related anxiety went up and you distanced yourself from your boyfriend, you “threw a wall up as I felt like no one would ever be able to understand my situation”. After that,  your boyfriend told you “that he was conflicted and didn’t know what he wanted”. After he told you that, you “went into a meltdown mode”, worrying greatly, a worry that was “intense and incredibly debilitating”.

You then experienced a week break from this intense worry, “a week of clarity” where you “felt connected to him”. After that week the rOCD symptoms started: you “felt as if I didn’t love him anymore”, that feeling and thoughts consumed you, you googled a lot for answers and became physically sick. Currently you feel better, less obsessed (“I don’t read into small things anymore”), but you are left “with a murky feeling”. You are fearful of your future with your boyfriend and that fear makes you want to pull away from the relationship.

Childhood history: you suffered from “separation anxiety towards my mother” that was most intense when you were a toddler, 11 and 15. If she didn’t come home on time or answer the phone, you feared that she was dead and, “I’d start to plan my life around this scenario”

Your parents “never really had any time or affection to share with each other”. Your father was “incredibly aggressive” to your mother, and he was incredibly aggressive to your brother until your brother got chronically ill. Both your parents were distressed over a lawsuit of some kind for a long time and that distress affected you (about 6 years old) and your brother. At that time your father became chronically ill and is currently a double amputee. At the time of his recent amputation, 11 months ago, your distress increased and that is when you distanced yourself from your boyfriend.

My input:

1. When fearing that your mother will leave you (die), your reactions was: “I’d start to plan my life around this scenario”. When fearing that your boyfriend will leave you, your reaction was to … plan your life around that scenario by no longer feeling love for him. No love= no pain when he leaves. This preparation is in the heart of rOCD.

2. Your anxiety is a lifetime part of your life so far. It started early on, when you were a toddler and is still ongoing. At times it was focused on the idea that your mother may be dead, at other times it was awakened by your father’s aggression toward your mother and your brother (aggression always scares children… and adults), at a time it was about moving (as a result of the lawsuit), and yet at other times it was focused around illness, your brother’s, your father’s .. your own when you were sick.  You were anxious to observe the loveless marriage of your parents, the absence of love and comfort. Then there were school anxieties, and relationships problems, here and there.

Even if your rOCD disappears completely, gone is that murky feeling, anxiety will still be there. At times it is intense, at other times less intense, and yet, at times, the brain takes a much needed break from the ongoing upset, and there is calm. But the calm doesnt stay, anxiety is back sooner than later.

This is why it is important for you to plan on moving out of your parents’ home (if you are still living there), to remove yourself from the sources of your anxiety, the aggressor himself, and the reminders of your very distressing, scary childhood.

It is also very important that you attend quality psychotherapy to learn skills to lower your anxiety and function better and better in life. Lowering your anxiety, learning new skills and improving those you have (ex. being assertive), are long term goals and will benefit you greatly.

3. Regarding your relationship: if your boyfriend is not at all aggressive toward you or others (you don’t want to witness it like you witnessed your father’s aggression toward others), if he is honest with you and kind, then continue the relationship. Share some of your anxiety with him but not too much, so to not overwhelm him. It is often a mistake young women do (and some older women), thinking that if they tell their boyfriend everything, then he will take all that information in, process it and come up with the solution. But what happens instead, is that the boyfriend gets stressed, overwhelmed and he may want to get out of that distressing situation.

So share in moderation, don’t pretend to be happy-go-lucky when with him, tell him the truth, but don’t go on and on about it.

And do prepare for a possible ending  of the relationship with him, simply because most romantic relationships do end. Prepare by focusing on your studies, on making an independent life for yourself, that is,  being financially able to support yourself. Attend therapy, maybe yoga, tai chi, practices that are calming and increase Mindfulness.

If you would like to tell me what you think/ feel about what I wrote so far, I will be glad to communicate with you further.

anita