Michelle,

You have posted some incredible things, I’ll be sure to read them more attentively later as I can already see some important pieces that I want to give more thought to (and maybe ask questions if that is okay with you?)

For now, I’ll limit myself to the following (and maybe you might be able to elaborate or comment).

I certainly learned the hard way that it was only by being myself that I could really trust anything else was real.

It is not that I was pretending before, it is more like I wanted to present a neutral image to the world, so that people wouldn’t be able to tell what I am or who I am besides what I would show them. Now I just don’t care anymore, which maybe the aftermath of my mild depression episode following the breakup or maybe it is just my experience that showed that sky didn’t fall on me or anybody else if I am more outspoken in my opinions and views – whatever it was, but it is certainly easier and more relaxing to be oneself and not to give two hoots about what others think. Not that I cared before, but I wanted to sort of remain a mystery.

At least you now know enough to identify those you know won’t be a good healthy match.

Well, I could identify those who wouldn’t be a good match in the past, too. Now after my ex, I have become even more selective. And know better about the hormone high of falling for somebody or being in love. And will definitely be more demanding and not understanding bordering on being a mat because oh, he is so tired, can’t people forget / make a mistake – don’t I do it myself – hey, I have examples! I guess one of my good or bad qualities is that I am very, very self-aware. Which leads me to a) expecting people to be the same and b) naturally, finding similar blunders and errors in my own behaviour and, consequently, always find excuses – if I care about these people.

And this is my biggest issue. I very rarely meet a man with whom I feel chemistry. And even if I do – most likely, the man would be married / have a partner. And I honestly don’t know if I am just plain unlucky (one of my hopes is that sooner or later I am bound to come across somebody who will be free AND with whom I will have chemistry BUT he also needs to want to be in a relationship with me – a very unlikely combination, don’t you think?) OR if there is something about a married man or a man with a partner that attracts me to him EVEN BEFORE I know that he is married or has a partner.

Actually, this last part seems to be changing. Again, I don’t know whether this is just because of the sheer quantity factor (the more men one meets, the more chances one has to find what one is looking for) or because I myself have changed albeit in the smallest degree. Of course, I hope for the latter. But one “free spirit” man, one still pining after his ex and two on the border of divorce (one still in the same limbo a fourth year in the row and don’t have a lot of info on the other yet – maybe already divorced, but certainly not a good candidate for romance just yet) – that is a tad too few for a four-year time frame… (I am not counting those for whom I felt a very strong physical aversion even though they were free and interested.)

I am not talking about “fireworks.” The very first question I always ask myself is whether I could make love to the man in question. 99% of the time the answer is no. Sometimes, the man would pass the first selection criteria – whether I like his looks and how we would look in a family portrait, but give me two more days to ask myself about sex, and the answer would most likely be no. Besides that, of course, there is character, education, his other attributes- so if somebody passes and seems to like me too (it may only seem or be totally unsuspecting on his side – a couple of glances here and there, etc.) – no wonder I start daydreaming and end up very attached…

I also wonder what makes you want to dive into the workings of the convoluted and complicated minds of those who seek advice on tinybuddha, you being in a happy relationship yourself? It is just that normally people write on forums when they need help and, more often than not, they are helped by members who also need help in this or in another matter, but hardly ever those who don’t need help find themselves on such forums – for why would they in the first place (not to mention being willing to guide others)? Of course, if you don’t mind…