Annie,

This reminds me of a relationship that I was in, except I was they busy guy. I was also usually very busy with school and work at that time, and I was often very tired when I was finished with my responsibilities. Sometimes, I was too tired to go out when Carla wanted to get out and have fun.

She  also saw me as emotionally distant. She would say, “you’re here, but you’re not here.” Like yours, our relationship was also largely physical and conversations were sparse. Like your boyfriend, I also felt my mind was blank when I was able to spend time with Carla. Like you, she misinterpreted my silence as disinterest and avoidance.

However, my interpretation of the relationship was very different. I felt that being near Carla gave me a sense of peace and calm. Being around her allowed me turn off my mind from all the agitation and noise from the stress of grad-school and work. I felt centered around her such that I was able to relax and re-energize. She made me feel grounded, like I was connected to the earth. Away from her, I felt like the stresses of the world around me were blowing me about like a leaf on the wind.

I wish I would have told her those things, but I was too close to it all to be able to verbalize those inner sensations. Also, I was much younger then and unfamiliar with those experiences.

Like you, Carla became upset at my dearth of communication. I felt that she was helping me a lot by just being there; but when she would become upset, it pushed me further way. The more she tried to fix us and control the situation, the more things fell apart. She saw my silence and calm as a mistreatment of her. I saw my quiet as an appreciation of her positive effect on me and as a sign of our success despite the difficulties of life. I did my best to explain, but it didn’t work.

I think you can initiate conversations with your boyfriend by beginning of topics of interest to him. You can gently probe areas of discussion by being specific. Questions like, “how do you feel?” are too general and vague. “What are you thinking about,” is also too broad.

I remember once asking a different girlfriend how her day was. She lit up like a Christmas light and rapid fire answers so fast I couldn’t keep up with what she was saying. Later when she was done, she asked me how my day was, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. The question which was very easy for her was massively difficult for me. Sometimes, the male brain needs to focus on specifics in order to be able to respond. So, perhaps to initiate discussion, you could present specifics. Also, you could talk about your feelings with short summaries and give him a chance to respond. Also, ask him for advice. We men enjoy being useful and helpful.

good luck