Dear Lia:

You are welcome. The reason ending your relationship with an abusive boyfriend was easy compared to the idea of ending your relationship with your abusive mother is that you met your boyfriend when you were an adult, or very close to an adult age. But you met your mother when you were a baby.

Your brain was formed as a result of your interactions early on with your mother. Early on, there was no mental separation, in your brain, between her and you, the two were One, one mental unit. Her pain felt like it was yours, no separation, your empathy was with her, completely. And you believed everything she said to be the Truth. You trusted her completely, not being able to perceive, as a child, that what she said may not be the truth.

You loved her so much (and still do) that you confused your love with hers. You loved her so much that you believed she loves you too, so much. It is the mental unit, no separation. You  imagine that if you cut contact with her she will hurt. While in reality, it is you who will hurt. She won’t hurt much, if at all, other than feeling embrarrased if other people find out that her daughter doesn’t talk to  her anymore, it making her look bad in others’ minds.

The closeness, the intimacy you feel with your mother is your experience. You  only imagine she feels it with you. But she doesn’t. So if and when you do  cut contact with her, in her emotional experience, there was no  intimacy with you, so no intimacy lost. The loss is on your end, not hers.

What do  you think about what I wrote?

anita