Thank you for replying.

I’ve felt sad and lonely my whole life, even as a child. I found therapy useful for helping me discover how I’d learnt to not be a bother, make myself small and suppress my emotions. When the emotions do come though, I dont know how to handle them. I feel like a child again. When my therapist asks me to describe how I feel, I honestly don’t know most of the time. I can only say what I think about something instead of how I feel. The sadness and trying to suppress the urge to cry is all I know. I fear that underneath the anxiety, there’s no person there. It’s just a void. I’ve read a lot of advice about the importance of doing inner work and healing childhood wounds but how? That advice is starting to feel glib and inspirational quotes stick in my throat.

I wish I could just catch a moment of how it feels to be happy, normal and well adjusted so I know what I should be aiming for.

I had lots of friends in school but I still felt like the odd one out. In work there was always at least one woman who didn’t like me and I’ve been bullied by them. I’m now afraid to get to know people in and out of work. I’m always friendly but I’m not very chatty. I thought by not drawing attention to myself it would somehow protect me.

My whole focus seems to be on the most recent failed relationship. I’m using that as proof of my worthlessness. I’m still confused if it was abuse. He did things I found very disrespectful and it opened all my insecurities. I told my Mum but she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. She thinks I’m a bitch and I drive people away. Whether his love was real or not, for that short time it was the most I’ve ever had in my whole life. Why was I so unhappy? Maybe I ruined it by being so insecure