Dear Anita/GL

Thank you so much for such insightful comments. This is something I needed to hear a very long time ago. It’s set off a whole chain reaction of thoughts and feelings and memories.

Anita – when I said she’s the only person I have left to talk to I meant my Mother.

I remember at age 12 feeling shame and embarrassment about becoming an adult. I wanted to remain a child because I was scared. I couldn’t talk to my Mother about any issues regarding becoming a woman. She’s very astute and good at reading people, so I’ve always sought her advice. But when it comes to my romantic relationships the advice is more like platitudes. I’m still seeking advice from her about my last relationship but she’s saying how much he probably misses me, regrets what he did etc. This is like a drug to me because that’s what I want to hear. It validates me. Makes me think she means well and wants me know that I did actually mean something to him but its stopping me from moving on and making me more miserable. I’m trapped in this cycle.

Deep down I think I sought therapy to get advice I never got from my Mother, yet I know that’s not how therapy works.

I moved so far away from home not because I wanted to but because I knew I needed to. It was not an exciting, happy feeling like one should get when embarking on such a huge life change. I’d been pushed to my limit. I was running away. But the same problems I ran away from keep repeating. That’s why I’m convinced it’s me that’s the problem. I’m still surrounded by people who are nice to each other but mean and manipulative to me