Hey Michelle,

I am somewhat reluctant to try online dating now. Maybe because I want to check off a few items off my list of books to read, films to watch, places to visit first or because I am afraid to be overwhelmed by the options out there – when there are too many, one loses sense of what one wants or is looking for. It’s somewhat akin to being online – always a new link to click, a new item to follow, a new girl out there. But Anita is very actively advocating for online dating on Tiny Buddha even suggesting a strategy (from which I borrowed a meeting over a cup of coffee or a light meal), so I thought I’d ask your opinion.

It may be also the simple fact that I just got disappointed (very slightly, I would give it no more than 3 on a scale of 1 to 10) that I didn’t get to see that man before my departure nor did I happen to cross him in the corridor. It is not too big a crush, but if he made a step, it could definitely become something.

I can’t say that I am investing a lot of time and energy in imagining things with him. I’d say that I hardly thought about him at the weekend, but “it would be nice”.

The crush isn’t about the real person as you don’t know them – it’s about the fantasy of what you imagine he is. So (knowingly or unknowingly) you assign him all the characteristics you want in a man, imagine he will be perfect, he will whisk you off your feet and look after your happy ever after.

Yes, very much so. And I might add that I imagine what he is because there was something in his appearance that appealed to me so I started thinking about him actively OR there still had been something teeny-tiny that I had brushed off and forgot, but then he himself approached me – and off I went…

And then unsurprisingly reality crashes in as you get to know him more – how can anybody live up to perfection in your head afterall. So you get disappointed, decide you are better off back alone and retreat to your safe place where you don’t have to deal with this upsetting reality.

Well, this part is not exactly so. I either don’t get to know him more because he never makes a step in my direction (mostly likely the current case – but who knows – maybe he’ll miss me now that I am out for a month (not actively counting on this) ;)) OR, if he (any man here) does, I continue to like him more and more, getting to know him, making excuses for his behaviour, being understanding until HE retreats himself because he had his own issues he should have dealt with before approaching me.

Rather than spending time imagining, guessing, dreaming, hoping – it’s doing the scarier thing of finding out, asking, doing, determining reality for yourself.

I think I do just that – I don’t get my hopes high, watch the man, if he doesn’t reciprocate, after a while my interest goes down. I become upset, get busy with my life, but then nature calls again (aren’t we all supposed to be looking for a mate to procreate?), and I start looking around – does anybody see me? – and I get men whom I can’t stand or do I see anybody? – and I get men whom I like but who don’t see me or are not ready even if they do.

If he reciprocates, I ask all the questions, am not shy at all, but I am already biased in his favour, so will keep making excuses until he does something really unacceptable or until he disappears into thin air.

Enjoy your trip back home – and if it’s to visit your parents – don’t let your mother make you feel bad.

Thank you so very much for this note. Yes, I’ll be glad to see all the familiar faces and the environment (we will be also going out to the country, a small village in which both my family and my aunt and uncle and other friends of the family all happen to have cottages), but Michelle, I am already getting ready to make a mental effort to ignore my mother’s remarks and seemingly matter-of-fact questions (like “So when is your ex coming to your work place again?”).

For a very long time, since probably my teenage years, I thought how cool it would be to be in the family circle with that special someone. The village is located in a very picturesque place, and, even though I was not born there, I spent all my summer holidays there and consider it my sanctuary. Everyone seems to be coupled – my parents, my aunt and uncle, our family’s friends. My cousins stopped coming there as soon as they could, though my elder cousin doesn’t mind, but he lives in still another country now. My childhood friend, a daughter of one more friendly couple all of a sudden said that she hated it there when she entered the university and stopped coming. So now, as for so many years, everyone around me is coupled and I am again alone 20 years later still wishing for somebody to be by my side.

Oh well…

I’m not that dissimilar to you, tom-boy as a kid, lots of male friends, worked in a male-dominated environment, no real interest in traditional female activities etc etc ( though I can cook now after 20 years! ). It’s not what stops you finding the right man for you, trust me on that one…

It is so nice to be able to talk to somebody who is similar in spirit and made it! Thank you for your words and encouragement!

The fact that my ex said that he didn’t mind at all eating out and “you’ll learn to cook when you’ll need to learn to cook” – those were still one more reason for me to believe that yes, my expectations were not exaggerated and that I had found HIM.

So yeah, so many things that he did and said were a 100% match for how I though it should be.

And then that “guy who led me on” – all that my ex was and even more, similarly understanding and non-judgemental, but younger and better looking… It almost feels as if we were SUPPOSED TO have gotten together in earnest (with him divorcing of course since everything had been a mess long before I came into the picture), but life is not a novel and unfortunately, I am not the author.

We are off to Granada in Spain in a couple of weeks so will get some sun there if not here – though it’s still great at the moment. Nothing better than sitting outside with a book and a glass of something chilled!

Well, I must say that there is certainly something cozy full of hygge sitting by a lit fireplace with a book and a glass of wine and listening to the wind and rain outside. But it is good for several days, after that one gets tired and wants the sunshine. Very glad that you have the opportunity to travel like that! I still tend to think that even if I had more time and money, travelling somewhere more often than once in three months would be too overwhelming for me. But it is just me.

Okay, now to the finishing touches before I get picked up for the airport…

Maybe will be able to write on Friday or Saturday, if not then after May 13^th ‘cause there is no internet in the village and mobile phone coverage is very spotty.

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