Hi anita

There are a lot of things happening right now in my life. But time and again the same question haunts me – what am i living for?

I am finding it harder as the days go by to fit in. Some places i have to, like work. And it is not just this team or manager, i am really not able to handle other people, including family and friends. I don’t want to interact with people anymore. I don’t want to be the recipient of their moods, needs and rudeness. I see no point in bearing all of this. I wanted to quit work and take a break. But then my mother’s diagnosis came, i mentioned i could quit to take care of her as there is nobody else to do so and she said i can’t do that as we need the money. In that moment i realized i am a prisoner. The situation is very bad. Let’s say my dad after losing his last job had 2x, x of it was used up to clear a loan in one shot. And the other x has close to depleted. The reason my money was not used till now is because monthly expenses come from our tenant’s rent. If i quit there is no money for medical expenses.

My issue is my father. My mom and sister have gone to a different state for treatment. All he has to do is cook when i have to go to work. But he is so rigid. It is as if he is doing us a favour. And I realized how selfish it is of him to not even try to get another job.

All this made me realize – i am the only one in my family who has yet to have a “public breakdown”. Everyone else has gone off when they wanted to. My mother could get treated here, it is even better. But she says ” i won’t have rest”. Which is a lie. She chose this life and leaves when it is convenient. They got married and they had me in the same way people install an atm and it is ridiculous. They feel no guilt for putting the burden on me.

And i feel so manipulated by my mother. On some days when i was too overwhelmed by work and said i wish i could quit, my mother used to say oh of course you can wuit but it is just that people need something to occupy their minds with. I really believed she meant that. On the other hand when i once called her crying from work she cried on the other side, it makes no sense.

Even if i left – the world outside seems no better.

Girija