Dear Yonatan:

I was too confident in my third post to you where I wrote to you what I thought happened. It was too soon for me to be that confident, and so it was only my beginning understanding of what happened, a series of possibilities as to what happened. The following is my current understanding of what happened (and it is still, a beginning understanding):

I was wrong earlier to suggest that Maya rejected you because you were not the alpha male type. She liked you early on and I don’t think you were ever an alpha male type. Even after you “started to cry in front of her, and confessed to her that I didn’t think I could ever get married”, she said “it was okay and that she wanted to continue”, and after that crying, “We pronounced ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and we spoke every night on FaceTime for hours”.

Later, at another time, after your engagement party,  you “started to cry”, but this time, she “got frustrated, saying she needed space”.

When she called off the wedding, “you fell on the floor and begged her… I was on the floor in front of her”. She told you to stand up and you “stood up immediately”, but in front of her parents, you “fall on the floor again”-

– you repeatedly fell to the floor, not because you were too weak to remain standing, but becasue you chose to fall. When Maya told you to stand up, you “stood up immediately”, meaning you were able to stand up immediately.

“I stood up immediately and felt completely abused”- you weren’t abuse because it wasnt Maya or her parents who pushed you down to the floor, you chose to do that.

Throughout the relationship, you often felt very uncomfortable: “I got more nervous.. I was feeling less confident.. I was afraid… I was getting extremely stressed… I didn’t deserve her”. When you and Maya discussed the marriage, you felt like you were “being judged” by Maya and then you “confessed to her that I didn’t think I could ever get married“. Later you felt that “her parents started to become pushy”.

Maya and her parents wanted things that you felt were unreasonable and unfair to you, but you kept agreeing: “She wanted the wedding in Florida and I agreed.. she wanted to invite 200-250 of HER friends to the wedding. I agreed”- notice you typed HER in capital letters, suggesting that you were angry about it.

“she said she couldn’t afford much.. I offered to pay for the whole wedding”. You wrote: “Maya’s parents organized the wedding, and my parents and I just sent money checks”- clearly you felt angry, believing Maya and her parents were taking unfair advantage of you and your parents.

You were angry at Maya and at her parents, stressed and exhausted and you were very uncomfortable about getting married. You talked to the psychologist about your “current anxieties of moving to Florida, finding a job, and providing for Maya”.

You felt so uncomfortable, so distressed that  when you left Florida at one point, “you felt terrible because I thought I was suffering a severe mental illness”, and your distress did show, leading Maya to “freak out and asked if I had schizophrenia”.

Maybe Maya and/ or her parents aimed at taking advantage of you all along, find a man to pay the bills. Maybe they were truly unable to pay the bills and you enthusiastically volunteered to have the bills paid, telling them it was perfectly fine with you.. while it was not fine with you.

At this point I think that you were very conflicted, you wanted Maya so you did all the things she and her parents wanted, but on the other hand, you didn’t want to proceed with Maya, so you exaggerated your mental issues, communicating to Maya and to her parents something like:  I am too messed up to get married! I am sick! I am unwell! Set me free from this predicament. And it worked.

I wrote to you earlier that we are all weak and strong, all at the same time or at different times. When you fell to the floor repeatedly, that appeared like weak behavior, but it was strong behavior, because it helped you achieve a goal. Her father reacted to your falling by giving you did once you back all that jewelry that you gave Maya, that was a win for you.

Better be strong and honest, better not exaggerate your emotional issues so to make things happen a certain way, better direct your life honestly and see to it that others are honest with you.

anita