Dear Bonni_mor:

“He currently cannot get an erection and has expressed that he does not sexually desire me anymore”- that would be workable if he didn’t care much about sex, if he didn’t desire it. But if he cares and desires sex with women, then not desiring you while he will be living long distance from you next month, is a big problem. Once he lives in New York, I imagine, he will probably be very motivated to see if he can perform with other women, so to feel better about himself.

“All sexual encounters seem forced or like a high-pressure task.. he is anxious that he will not get an erection.. we both feel under a lot of pressure to perform”

– attempting sex is no longer fun, not for you and not for him. The pressure is even greater because he is about to move away, long distance, isn’t it, having only a couple of weeks before he leaves?

“I perceive him to genuinely regret having betrayed my trust… We communicate a lot better… he’s reassured me that he is as committed as I am to being together… I have committed to making us work… Overall, he is a great man who has owned up to his mistakes… We really are great together otherwise”-

The two of you may make it through this significant challenge. If I understand correctly and he will be living long distance in a couple of weeks o so, then the problem is very unlikely to be resolved in such a short time. Trying to do so, will only increase the pressure in the bedroom. It may be better not to try at all. If I was you, I will relax with him for the remainder of the time together, having a friends relationship, very close friends because this is the strong point in the relationship at this time.

I think that your best bet for the purpose of maintaining and improving this relationship is to relax into the strong point of the relationship at this time: being close friends. Don’t focus on the weak point. No pressure, that is, no sexual attempts at all, at this time is what I would do in your place.

anita