Dear Chloe Rose:

Regarding your husband being loud when playing with the kids, maybe you and him can agree to him being loud playing with the kids outside, in a park let’s say,  so that you are not present, or if at home- then at times when you are not at home.

When the two of you are at home and he is playing with the kids, then, the agreement can be that he lowers his voice. The kids can be told about this arrangement.

Regarding your husband not allowing the kids to do what you allow or would allow them to do- why don’t you and your husband sit together and make a list of what the two of you agree to allow the kids to do and what the two of you do not allow the kids to do. It is important that the two of you are in agreement on such lists so that the kids are not confused or are motivated to manipulate situations so that they get the agreement of one parent without the knowledge of the other parent.

“Our differences in parenting are leading to a lot of argument and angry feelings”- arguing is not helpful, not at all. There is professional literature available on resolving conflicts in effective ways, using effective interpersonal  skills for that purpose, negotiating in a peaceful, mutually respectful way.

Here is a part of a handout I have called :Guidelines for Relationship Effectiveness”- it reads, “A way to remember these skills is to remember the word GIVE:

(Be) Gentle

(Act) Interested

Validate

(Use an) Easy Manner.

It explains: “Be courteous and temperate in your approach. No verbal ..attacks, no ‘manipulating’ statements.. No moralizing, ex: ‘if you were a good person, you would..’, listen to the other person’s point of view.. Validate or acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties.. Be nonjudgmental ..’I can understand how you feel, but..’ Smile, ease the person along. Be light hearted.. Use a ‘soft sell’ over a ‘hard sell'”.

anita