Anita,

Yeah I appreciate what you’re saying to an extent. I’m under no illusion though – I don’t believe the assumed miscarriage was the one and only reason for the breakdown of the relationship. The only thing that I do really know is that, upon returning from holiday, she said that she had been mildly apprehensive about spending a full week in each other’s pockets but that she genuinely had the best time of her life. She said it was like a weight had been lifted, but as soon as she thought about the assumed miscarriage it was as though it was all back on top of her again. Prior to the holiday she had never once deemed the relationship too intense or overwhelming – I’ll explain more on how I know that to be the case in a second. But upon returning, and after the bleeding, she was suddenly finding everything a bit much. I know she had an argument one night with her mother after we returned whilst she was at home – apparently mum had told her that she had to get her life together and that she was a mess. Mum apologized the next day, seemed to be an outburst. Whilst she was telling me about that row though she did say that she had agreed to make some changes, e.g. seeing her doctor for support, and ideally giving up her medication. I advised that that was really between her and her medical professional, and she insisted that she did not believe she could have come as far as she did without me. She was so grateful for everything, and assured me that for the first time ever she felt like she could achieve anything in life with me at her side. I assured her that the feeling was mutual, ever-keen to ensure she knew that I wasn’t her carer but her lover. She appreciated that, and appreciated that I’d always be there for her. I should point out that this was all AFTER the bleeding/miscarriage ‘event’.

On occasions where she said everything was a bit intense, I would tell her to take some time out and focus on herself, but she would insist the following day that she wasn’t being honest, that she’d either had a drink/had a mini-meltdown and that it was all fine now. This probably happened 4ish times post-bleeding. I would regularly try to tell her that I didn’t want to lose her, whether as a lover or as a human being, so if she needed to take some space then she should to avoid going down any dark path. She always assured me that whatever happens, I would never lose her, but that she was just finding a lot of things a struggle.

1) Yes, you’re right. It’s a very difficult shift for my brain to process, given that a few days before leaving we were on the verge of a meeting at the bank to buy our first home together, and she would continue to insist that finally she felt like she had direction in life and that we could achieve anything together. The fact that she so suddenly decided she didn’t want that is, I guess, just weird. But I keep having to guess at the reasons why. And I am needy for her, although right now I’m not sure I’m needy for her love/romance, I’m more needy for her presence, if that makes sense.

2) Like I say, I don’t think it’s the only reason, but given the timeline it’s the only real catalyst I can see. When she had messaged me the day she was leaving to say that she was leaving, I asked her if she would talk to me about it. She said that she was exhausted, and so tired of talking. So there may be something in that too.

3) That may well be the case, but I cannot lose faith in her as a human being due to her depression. It’s hard to explain – if I admit that the problem is with her and not with me, which to be honest it kind of is, it’s like I’m accepting that she’s incapable of love, or joy, or longevity. I don’t believe that to be the case, I have a lot of belief in her. She is more than her issues and more than her troubles, I hope I have managed to instill that attitude in her over the years we’ve spent together if nothing else.

I am desperate to have her back in my life, for sure. I know I’ve just spoken a lot about the support that I gave her, but she genuinely made me a better version of myself; at least at one stage, she believed that to be mutual, that I made her better too. She enabled me to tap into my emotions in a way I hadn’t experienced previously, and I allowed her to see the world for the clarity it offered rather than the confusion and darkness. I am trying, reasonably successfully, to leave her alone despite this desperation. But I firmly believe we are better when we’re together. I hope that’s not an arrogant thing to say, as I say I believe it goes both ways too. I understand that right now she is not capable, but she continues to insist that she will be at some stage. She speaks to me now, and is more open, there seems an understanding that we will get back to a good place at some stage. My brain has therefore decided that I can’t deal with anything much until that moment. I know that’s toxic. It’s a very weird state of mind – I understand what’s happening but I sort of can’t believe it. I hope that makes sense.

Regarding my mother – she is hospitalized sometimes due to her mental state, she’s often not in a good way but she still has a heart of gold. My ex and my mother have always had a strong bond too, I could sometimes just sit and listen to them chatter away into the early hours. She has a good relationship with my whole family to be honest.

Where I mentioned previously that I know at some stage she didn’t really feel overwhelmed, this is primarily why. In 2018 we had been on a few dates, but nothing too serious. It was around the Autumn time, I think. We have since admitted, as I say, that we feel we’ve loved each other since around 2013, but 2018 was almost the first opportunity where we were both prepared to admit it. So we went on some dates, knew that we had strong feelings for each other, but certainly in my case I was scared of going too fast as I was afraid I might ruin the best feeling I’d ever had. Back then we worked very different hours and I had just had a male friend move into my house – his mother had downsized and he needed a place to be, I had a spare bedroom so it seemed a no-brainer. I had arranged that with him prior to this girl and I dating, but it meant that sometimes we’d inevitably get home and there would be 3 of us, rather than just the 2 of us. We worked different hours at that time too and found it difficult to spend as much time as we would have liked with each other. We never really admitted how strongly we felt about each other. She messaged me one day to say that she wasn’t sure I was taking it seriously, that she needed something serious in her life. I simply told her that I thought it was serious, if awkward, and I’m sorry that she didn’t see it that way.

We kept in touch to an extent, but within a week or so she had a new boyfriend and was raving about him for all the world to see. He was a fair bit older than her, around 35 I think (about a 10 year gap) – he has his own children to a previous partner, and she did admit afterwards that part of her thinking was that he already had a family ready to go, and in a burst of emotion she thought that it made her task of forging a ‘real’ life that much easier. She also mentioned after that their relationship was primarily physical – they had good sex, but there was no real emotional connection. She felt terrible about leaving him as she got to know his kids, but after 3 months of a relationship she turned up at my house at midnight one night. Crucially she drove to me, which means she hadn’t been drinking/wasn’t under any influence. She professed that she loved me, that she always had, and that she was sorry she didn’t have the strength to admit it previously. She explained she had left her partner around 3 weeks prior to turning up at my house, that she didn’t miss him. She wanted to pick up where we left off, which I resisted up to a point, saying that we need to make sure this is serious. It didn’t take long though, around 2 weeks, before she was moving things into the house and we were having the loving relationship that has since broken down. In many ways she was the instigator of the powerful emotions, with me being a bit more wary, but once I felt it was right I let my guard down and the relationship blossomed.

The reason I feel that is important is because she basically admitted that she didn’t think it was serious back when we were dating, but she insisted that we make a proper go at life together, and I eventually agreed. She was the one craving something serious, I was simply craving loving her, and so we made it serious, hence the plan to get a house etc. becoming reality not long before she left. So her feeling that everything was too intense came about only after the ‘event’, as prior to that we were consciously driving intensity. Or maybe unconsciously, I guess that’s difficult to say.

The final thing to note is that this previous partner of hers was becoming a pest, and would regularly message her with things like ‘You’ve left some things at my house… I’ll drop them off in hell so that you can collect them!’. He would swear and call her names, it wasn’t nice. She eventually decided to cut him out of her life completely, having no real connection to him and giving up on the ‘nice’ routine of hoping he might find some reconciliation. She blocked him etc. and didn’t speak to him for a long time. She felt he had hurt her, and was a negative influence. He recently moved into a house just a few streets away from hers, and once her and I parted she was back in contact with him. I’m not sure why, or if it means anything, but my brain has been trying to process this too. I am wondering whether she enjoys the emotional abuse in some weird and twisted fashion – it’s not unheard of.

I spoke to her again briefly yesterday, just a nice back-and-forth about hoping we’re doing well. I asked her when she thinks will be a good time to try to speak about things, or if there ever will be, and her response was that she’s ‘playing it by ear’. She’s still struggling, but also trying to make herself feel better and using her support network, something I had always urged her to do more anyway. I explained that I’m struggling too, and she said she was sorry to hear that, but that it’s just not the right time. She did at least admit though that she was grateful that we’re in touch. I am still hopeful of more positive discussions in the future and a light at the end of this tunnel.

My mental state is making me a bit weary. I am grieving for the baby, for the relationship, and at least in some way for the loss of a friend, however more hushed and temporary that particular loss may be.