Anita,

That’s kind of you to say. The one thing I am sure of is that I always did 100% the best by her. Anytime she has been in pain, I helped her to ease it, and likewise with my pain. I do have friends, plenty of them, and they’re good people, but they don’t have  emotional intelligence that she and I do to be able to process these things. I told her when she came to visit on Wednesday (last week) that I still loved her and that I think we’d make fantastic life partners – she said that she loved me, but ignored the other bit.

You’re hitting the nail on the head in some regards. On the night when she came to tell me that she loved me, at midnight, some of the first words out of her mouth were that her mother likes me. She explained that she had broke things off with her previous partner and cried to her mother, fearing that she may have to endure life alone. Her mother’s response at the time was party care and support, but the suggestion that ‘why don’t you get in touch with Mike? He’s always made you happy’. In her words, that flicked a switch that made her realise that not only was her love for me and bond with me strong, but that it was allowed. I guess at the time I didn’t read too much into it – I was too overcome with elation. But it was clearly a factor – not the ONLY factor, I think it’s fair to say – in her finally admitting her feelings.

She is very aware that living with her mother and step-father at this stage of her life is not where she envisioned that she would be. She’s always been determined to make a success of things. I wonder whether in some ways she’s unsure of how to do that on her own. It would go some way to explaining her current behaviour, in the sense that she might be wanting to prove to herself that she’s capable. I believe she is, and so I never held her hand through life anyway; I only offered my support and listening ear when necessary. She has started her new job, which is the first ‘career’-type job she’s ever had. She actually started it formally around a week after leaving me. Maybe she is looking to build herself some freedom in life, to not have her life be as scrutinised as it inevitably is when one lives with parents. I moved out when I was 24, and I’m 26 now – I know that when I got to the end of my time at home I became relatively tired of the whole ‘how are you, where have you been, how did you get on’ etc. Parents are inevitably more involved in our lives than partners, and eventually it can feel a little suffocating – but that’s not a bad thing, it’s just a natural part of growing up and wanting some space.

I think some of her mother’s influence has been negative, but I want to be very clear that not for a second do I ever believe it was intentional – all I know of her mother is that she’s loving and caring, but she approaches life in a very different way to the way that I do, and to the way my ex-partner does when she has the headspace to admit it. She would on occasion tell me about how mum was a very different person to her, but that she still loved her deeply; she’d tell me a silly story, for example, about how mum solved a particular problem and it seemed daft to her, but everything worked out in the end. That sort of thing. I don’t believe there’s ever been any emotional abuse or the like from her mother, she always seems to want what is best for her daughters (there are a few). She does have a very strong relationship with her mother, but they’re quite different people – we’d sometimes talk about their differences when it came to politics, or religion, emotions, motivations, values. But her mother has never imposed her values on her children or anything like that. Her mum does have a bit of ‘people should do it all themselves’ attitude, and I know that can rub off on my ex-partner from time to time, despite her preferring to surround herself with good people and feed off their energy, rather than just create her own.

I was the first person to comfort her after her brother’s suicide *primarily* because she came to me. The first I heard about it was on the day. She got in touch and explained the situation, I went to meet her and did what I could. She said that the family was in a very dark place at that moment, she wanted the external support and she knew that she wanted to speak to me. But I never felt obligated, of course, as soon as she told me I actively wanted to help. I didn’t know much about her family at that time, so my main concern was helping her.

The apology definitely doesn’t erase anything. It did seem to have an impact though – I can’t remember if I said, but it was after the row with her mum that she assured me about coming off medication and making changes in her own interest, but she phrased it in a way that made it definitely seem like she was doing it for me, too. She was promising me that she was coming off the medication, rather than simply telling me that it’s what she was going to do. I didn’t really need that promise, and I did suggest alternatives, but I’m not sure that she ever really needed to assure me about any of it. I trust her and believe in her, whatever decision she would make was worthy of my support.

It’s difficult to say whether her mother’s voice was louder than hers. In some regards, I’m almost inclined to say the opposite might be more true, now that she’s doing the whole needing space thing. My only real evidence for that is that her mother had issued me, and not her daughter, with contact details of a mortgage advisor once we were talking about buying a house together. She had kind of entrusted me with things like that. I did speak to her mother briefly after the breakup – I wished her well and thanked her for nice times spent together, her only response was ‘I’m sorry Mike, but it seems like she has made her mind up and unfortunately for you both she says it hasn’t worked out’. I appreciate her mother might not be being entirely honest, but I am unsure about whether mum would, for example, talk me down to her daughter.

Her mother has outbursts relatively infrequently, but they do occur. The abusive father in all of this was previously an abusive husband too, to perhaps a lesser extent, so they’ve all had a hard time with that for sure.

Like I say, I don’t really think her mother is abusive, I think if anything she’s over-protective. Which is understandable, given the circumstances. And yes, on occasion she would say exactly that, that I was ‘too good to be true’, but it was never meant with any venom or ill-will. It was usually just during an average conversation, say after I had made her a coffee, and we’d laugh about it, but then she’d assure me that she really meant it, and she’s so grateful for having me.

I guess I’m just concerned that if she IS trying to make herself happy right now, for herself, then I’m not sure having him back in her life would give her the freedom to achieve that. I have every faith that she can do it. It’s very strange at the minute, because I’m torn between two very different feelings. On the one hand, if she’s genuinely shutting me out because she needs her space and wants to be alone, as she says, then I’m hopeful that she gets what she needs. I still believe we can be happy together, but from what she’s telling me it’s like she wants to work out how to be happy on her own. I respect that, even if it breaks me. On the other hand, given that she has allowed this man back into her life and shut me out of it, that feels like quite a big betrayal. That sounds like an awful thing to say, and I’m trying very hard to not tap into my anger over this. But he is on her social media, communicating with her, even communicating with her family, whereas I have been deemed unfit for that. After all the wonderful times we had, and everything we’ve done for each other over all these years, never mind the past few months, that feels like a betrayal.

I did try to speak to her again but she ignored me. It may be foolish, but I have simply left her with a message now explaining that I love her and miss her, and reminding her of some of the warm and nice things she’d said about our relationship and friendship. I am still hopeful that at some stage she will open up to me again. There is something holding her back from communicating with me – I am not sure what it is, but I know it’s unnecessary. Other than that last message, I have only ever tried to be light and easy-going when we’ve spoken, briefly, since. The only real time there was ever any intensity was when she came to the house to collect her things, but the intensity came from both of us. It’s also possible I suppose that she realised how great it felt to be in each other’s presence on that day, and for whatever reason she’s decided that she’s travelling a different path and so can’t bear to speak to me. A little honesty and clarity on that would go a long way though – I have no idea if she’s struggling or not, and that’s quite a painful cross to bear when it’s someone that you used to share everything with and support each other through everything.