Dear Michael:

“there is no way ever that her mother wanted her son to take his own life”- probably so, but her mother’s intent is not relevant to what I am trying to communicate to you. I will explain: her mother’s lack of intent to bring about her son’s death can be an issue in a court of law, hypothetically if she was charged with murder or the like. But this is not the case here. I am not concerned with her mother’s intent, this is not a court of law and her mother is not accused of murder.

What I am trying to communicate to you is the following: I think your now former girlfriend has had a difficult childhood, unloved by her mother. Again, her mother is not the focus here, it is not about her mother’s opinions and character. It is about the fact that your former girlfriend was not loved as a child. It is not “a case of mistaking and misinterpreting the situation” on the part of her now dead brother, or on the part of his struggling sister that neither one was loved.

It is not possible for a child to be loved by a parent and yet, to believe he or she is not loved.

But it is possible for an adult woman to be loved by a boyfriend, as this woman is loved by you, and yet, to not believe that she is loved. This is why this loved adult woman drinks heavily and goes to the home of an abusive man, her ex boyfriend, and has sex with him while in a relationship with you!

You may have formed a friendly set of interactions with her mother and you may have thought that this will bring you closer to her daughter, but it hasn’t, has it? You may have thought that you talking to your former girlfriend about her mother in positive ways, will bring you closer to her, but it hasn’t.

Your  former girlfriend knows deep inside that her mother doesn’t love her and it troubles her greatly. When you don’t see that, when you deny this basic truth about her experience (even if she herself denies it), you are a stranger to her, just as she is to herself.

Does this make any sense to you?

anita