Dear Michael:

“What do you think is the reason for her silence, given what we’ve discussed?”- I re-read all your posts for more than an hour. My answer to your question, using a psychological term is: object inconsistency. When she met with you to collect her things she felt close to you, but before and after, when not in your physical presence, she feels very removed from you, as if you don’t exist.

For you, she exists all the time, whether you are in her physical presence or not. But for her, you don’t exist unless you are in her physical presence.

“I know that she’s not apathetic towards me.. given that she spent time with me and shared cuddles with me when she came to collect her things, so why?” you asked regarding her distant behavior right after that visit. My answer: object inconsistency- once you were out of her physical presence, her affection for you was gone while your affection for her remained constant.

I also think that she is very impulsive and she gets alarmed by her own impulsivity.

I think that the bleeding she experienced in the airport distressed her a whole lot, not the miscarriage part of it, but the bleeding and the location of the bleeding is what distressed her so. I think that the reason she had unprotected sex before (“her never getting pregnant before despite unprotected sex”), was not that she was trying to conceive but because she is impulsive and finds herself in situations she didn’t anticipate or prepare for.

Her impulsivity is what her mother referred to, I believe, when she told her daughter that “she had to get her life together and that she was a mess”. And it is her impulsivity behind the dynamics in this example: “she said everything was a bit intense.. but she would insist the following day that she wasn’t being honest, that she’d either had a drink/ had a mini-meltdown and that it was all fine now“.

Here is another example of her impulsivity: “She told me that I was perfect for her in so many ways only days before the holiday… she did admit to me after returning from holiday that she had cheated on me with her ex-partner… she had gone to his house from home one night after drinking heavily and they had sex”- you were perfect for her, then when not in your physical presence, the closeness with you is forgotten and she goes and has sex with another man.

It is  not that I think that she is a conniving, dishonest woman. I think that she is emotionally very troubled and unable to have a healthy close relationship. I think that she herself is puzzled, disturbed and confused by her own impulsivity and object inconsistency (feeling close to you and then not at all, apathetic and removed).

anita