Hi, everyone…again.

I am back again asking desperately for some perspective. Let me just preface by saying I’m still active in counseling addressing my childhood trauma and codependency, so I feel like I always try to keep myself in check. However, that seems to be consistently my downfall at the same time. My boyfriend I previously spoke of here and I got back together in January of this year, after a 5 month break. Then, as you can guess, we started falling apart over arguments and judgments little by little again until it all came to a head with a huge argument, and about a week later I ended it with him officially in July, blocked him on everything, and went no contact. Last night, he texted me from a NEW phone number, basically saying he had made me a video and said it was there for me to watch, or not. He shared a link to the video too in the text. My heart sank because I have been feeling very weak lately missing him. However, I didn’t click through the link because I knew it would probably work on my heart strings more and also he would be able to see I viewed his video in the view count on Youtube. I then blocked his number.

No matter how much pain we’ve caused each other, I never wanted to end this (probably codependency speaking). I never felt good about my decision to break up, but I just felt like it was the most mature decision for us to avoid any more bad blood and hurt. (He never would even think of ending it, that’s why I felt like I had to finally do it). I am left now dying to still know what this video entails, and also feeling guilt that I am leaving him hanging. But, I am also feeling annoyed that he thinks he can just disrespect my boundaries and text me from a new number expecting me to feed into his attention again too. But, again…a part of me unfortunately misses him still and wonders if I made a mistake to end it.

I am sorry that this is all over the place! I guess I should also say that the big argument that unraveled us was that I went on a trip with friends to a place he had been wanting to take me for years. I didn’t go with him because of my health anxiety, so he felt betrayed and like he couldn’t trust me. I really only went with my friends because I wasn’t going to have to drive the 5 hour trip and handle the planning (things he always wanted me to either take control over or help with). After this, he sent me a novel explaining that I will never make anything of myself and that I deserve my pathetic family and will never be a normal functioning adult, and shame on me for giving up on the one person who tried to help better my life and see that I could have and do more. Also, that I can’t see out of my bubble that my family has brainwashed me into, abusing me to stay to do their bidding and not grow and mature. Also, he said that I might as well get on government assistance like my family, and he told me to never contact him again, calling me a f*cking GD loser. I didn’t reply. The next day, he frantically messaged me and said, “Nevermind. Meet me at this park at this time. We’re going to talk this out in person like it should be done.” I declined, feeling like he was being very reactive and frankly scaring me. He freaked out, and then a few days later, he wrote twice a long novel about how desperately sorry and disgusted with himself he was for saying all those things to me, and admitted to not handling his anger well, to the point that he drinks when he’s raging…and that he was essentially drunk when he exploded on me. He said it wasn’t an excuse, but that he needed to admit he didn’t have healthy coping mechanisms. (Mind you, I have dated this guy for 4 years, seeing him almost every day and i never once saw him drink beyond a little mimosa here or there at a restaurant). So it was so odd. He said he almost threw up and cried at work feeling so horrible about it all, and that he didn’t mean anything he said and I didn’t deserve any of it and that I have been the best, most understanding and gentle and kind person he’s ever met. He said he understood if I never wanted to forgive him. I sat on this message for 7 hours, and I replied with a short paragraph stating that I accepted his apology. It’s because I truly did think he finally felt humility after all these years and was being vulnerable with me. He immediately texted me back so relieved saying thank you for being so forgiving, and then that inch I gave turned into a mile in his head and he essentially thought we were again just on a break to work towards getting back together again. I had to plainly state a week later it was over though because talking just hurt me too much.

I honestly cannot believe he has reached out to me again like this, with a heartfelt plea of “art.” He is a video/film guy, so it makes sense that he would be dramatic like this and make me a video. I also want to say that my counselor assumes he may could be a narcissist, and I think he could be too. He also has admitted he is a perfectionist from his own therapy, and when he apologized profusely to me, he admitted he always put too many expectations on me and he should have just went and took trips and did adventurous stuff on his own, instead of expecting me to do everything with him. I am just left still so unsure of everything, because I still just feel completely responsible for being too sensitive towards him, and for being careless with his feelings where I didn’t realize I was being. Also, because I really do feel like my health anxiety and issues sabotage things and bring people down. I can’t take up for myself – every time I read or watch a video on narcissistic abuse, I just immediately flip it around to his perspective and can only take up for him, and throw myself under the bus, feeling so guilty for hurting him. And in therapy, I cannot for the life of me see my own hurt. At what point are we supposed to accept ourselves for where we are and how we are, and at what point are we supposed to own up to our toxicity and change ourselves for others? If what others say or do in response to us is none of our business, then how is anyone ever legitimized in being hurt by someone and when do we owe people apologizes, or they owe us changed behavior/apologies? I just feel like I have no right to feel hurt and I can’t defend myself, even after he’s gone! And now that he’s back with that text…I feel even more confused.

Thank you to anyone if you take the time out and read this. I am HORRIBLE at summarizing.