Thank you, Anita!

My counselor and I came to that conclusion of him possibly being a narcissist because she had me go through the manual checklist she had. She said of course, she can only assume from a bystander point and he’s not her client. He seems consumed with having praise and acknowledgment, and is bitterly offended when his efforts are ignored or people don’t react the way he would to a situation. He also has no empathy for others, and is VERY critical of anyone with opposing opinions, and revels in when his “enemies” fail. He put down all my friends and family, calling them lazy and bad people who were toxic to me. Maybe at the very least, he has an issue with control. I think I want to pin something concrete on him so I can gain insight into what happened to us from a logical standpoint, and what his faults are. Because I definitely understand my faults come from childhood neglect. I am always searching for validation to my hurt, that if he has a clinical issue or something easily identifiably toxic about him, I’ll feel more legitimized in leaving and abandoning him and us not working out.

I am trying hard to accept that maybe we were just dysfunctional and when times got rough, we just consistently misunderstood each other and didn’t share each other’s love languages. But why would someone like him who has so many issues with me, and my family, always fight to keep us going? Why after two months of no contact, and ending things with the understanding between us that it just didn’t work out…why is he trying to fight again for us? He’d be outright disgusted with me one day, and the next, he’d always insist I was precious to him and that stuff was trivial. I never could trust how he truly felt about me, and that was another reason for me giving up, I guess. I have a real problem with not being able to understand my wants and needs. If he wants me and needs me, I want him. If he’s done, I am like…okay then I am done and don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I wish I could just find my own voice. I never was and still am not emotionally able to be done with him, but my physical body couldn’t handle the fights anymore. I felt downright scolded by him each time and I’d have panic attacks and couldn’t eat. Was I just overreacting and leaking out childhood trauma on him when he’d confront me with something I did wrong, or was he just being toxic and judgmental?