Dear jenna:

Regarding the Narcissitic  manual checklist that your counselor introduced to you: “He seems consumed with having praise and acknowledgement… bitterly offended when his efforts are ignored.. no empathy for others.. is VERY critical of anyone with opposing opinions”- everyone likes praise and acknowledgment, everyone is offended when their efforts are ignored, no  one feels empathy for others at all times, and everyone is critical of others at times. I suppose the point the manual is regarding individuals on the extreme end of the spectrum of these things, as in someone who hardly ever feels empathy for others.

But you wrote about this man back in October last year: “he adored me and cooked me breakfast, opened car doors for me, made me hot chocolate just randomly, always let me choose what  we watched on tv, hugged me when I was upset about my heath issues, tried his best to help me  overall with my issues, and made brought me the most personalized and thoughtful presents”- this description kills the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

And notice this, you wrote: “things started out great for the first year or so”- for a whole year he behaved well with you- that is too long of a time for a Narcissistic person to fake empathy, isn’t it?

On the other hand, as I re-read what you shared October last year, I realize that it is a bad idea to resume a relationship with him because of what you shared there: “he had an alcoholic ex who got him arrested one night too.. his arrest from hitting that person… in a cussing fit about her…  Always after he cools down from our fights, he comes back to me..  I’m always left confused with this because he is the instigator of all our fights. He is always the one to voice to me he’s upset with me over something I’ve done. And yet he later comes to me all  rational and makes me feel like everything we’re doing is supposed to be normal because he says it’s fine, and I need to stop being so hurt over our disputes”-

He has a serious anger management  problem and he presents his anger problem as normal behavior, part of a normal relationship- well, it shouldn’t be!

In your recent post you wrote: “my physical body couldn’t handle the fights anymore”- and this is the reason why you shouldn’t get back with him!

“Why after two months of no  contact, nd ending things..  why is he trying to fight again for us?”-

– maybe he fights for you because he wants to fight against you, yet again. Maybe other people in his life want to get away from him and stay away from him. And he needs someone in his life to stay, or return to him.

Combining what you wrote in Oct and in your recent post, almost a year later: “He is always the one to voice to me he’s upset with me over something I’ve done. And yet he later comes to me all  rational and makes me feel like everything.. is supposed to be normal.. He’d outright disgusted with me one day, and the next, he’s always insist I was precious to him and that stuff was trivial“-

– his angry behavior is not normal, or shouldn’t be normal and it is not trivial. It is a serious problem that he has, not you, and therefore it is not rational for you to go back to him and suffer yet again from his anger problem.

anita