Thank you so much for the replies. It’s really nice to be able to talk about it, and it means a lot to me.

I have mixed feelings about getting a divorce. On the one hand, the fact that I had an affair is a clear sign that something isn’t right. I do want more from my relationship. On the other hand, if I get divorced, will I really be any better off?  Will I just end up alone and financially stressed?  My kids are both in college. The younger one is starting her first year next week, so we also have college payments to think about.  She has had a tough year emotionally, and I worry what a divorce would do to her. Perhaps after she has finished college would be a better time to separate, but then we also lose another 4 years.  Financially, we don’t have any savings. Several years ago, my husband was not working for about a year and half, which drained whatever savings we did have and put us into debt. He does not have a stable income. My husband is in decent health for someone of his age.  He does have a number of siblings, but none live nearby.

I had never felt the way I had until I met R. He was someone who I was both intellectually stimulated and sexually attracted. He made feel desirable and made me want to be better. But because of my low self-esteem and because I was cheating, I would always say self deprecating comments when he paid me compliments. Because he always wanted to meet at hotels, which we never actually did, I felt like a slut and told him so. The week that let to the break up, I had seen a picture of him online with a wedding ring, and I asked him if there was something he was hiding. The thing is I know he wasn’t married, but I became paranoid. Then a couple days later when we weren’t able to meet up, I tried to call him to figure out when we could meet. He didn’t answer, so I tried again to leave a voicemail. But it went straight to voicemail, and I became paranoid that he had blocked me. I called multiple times and with different numbers. I basically went crazy. Don’t think going on the pill helped.  I just handled everything wrong. Had we been in a normal situation, I don’t think I would have behaved that way. Now he just thinks I’m nuts, which really saddens me, because his opinion mattered to me.