Dear Michael:

Welcome back and you are very welcome.

Paraphrasing what you now believe is this: you believe that from a certain point onward, this woman was interested in her ex boyfriend and proceeded to resume that relationship but she didn’t tell you that. Instead she told you that she was suffering and needed to be alone, doing her part in maintaining your belief that she needed to be alone because she was suffering (and may come back to you after some alone-time). She deceived you and caused you unnecessary pain so to make herself more comfortable.

It made her more comfortable that you think that she is suffering than if you thought she was interested in another man and resuming a relationship with him. Her parents knew she resumed that relationship but in their communication with you, they deceived you as well.

If I understand correctly, it does make sense that this is a big part of what happened. But the Bigger Picture includes the following: she is still unwell, still suffering or soon will be suffering. Just as her relationship with you didn’t bring her the salvation she at times hoped for, neither the resuming of this older relationship bring her that salvation.

Also, when she chose to deceive you as she did, she didn’t do it cold heartedly (which doesn’t excuse the deceit at all). She didn’t do it cold heartedly, calmly thinking: how do I deceive this  man who loved me so?

Instead, she was uncomfortable, feeling some sort of emotional discomfort/ pain. Not knowing what to do, so she did what was easiest to do-  deceiving you.

“The only thing I’m struggling with now is my own personal beliefs. I used to have so much faith in human beings, that we’re capable of so much love and that people’s intentions are usually good”-

– human beings, like any animal, first and foremost, move away from pain any which way. When an animal feels pain, the animal does what it can to no longer feel the pain. She felt some pain (feeling like a bad person) so she moved away from that pain by deceiving you.

A person who is guided by values rather than emotions alone, will choose to endure that pain of feeling she is a bad person, and tell you the truth anyway.

Think of this extreme example: if you were physically tortured, you probably would do a lot of things that go against your values so to stop the pain. In your ex girlfriend’s case, she was not physically tortured, but she didn’t have in her the value to endure that lesser pain so to do the right thing by you.

In the future, learn about a person’s values. Have faith in the human/animal nature of stopping one’s pain any which way and in the human potential to endure some pain so to put into action admirable values such as honesty, loyalty and kindness.

Post again anytime you want to.

anita