Dear Jim:

You are 33, dated a woman for about four months, about May-August this year. About the woman: she was “very easy to get along with” and “very open about her (life)”. She told you that she was the product of sperm donation, that she suffers from a “bipolar disorder that was medicated and counseled”, that ten years before she was addicted to drugs, that her last relationship with a man involved cheating and domestic abuse, and that there is poor communication between herself and a few family members.

As a result of what she shared with you, you backed away, figuring that her issues are likely to “lead to many long term issues”, and that you should continue your search for a more promising partner in life. You broke up with her and she accepted it well. You felt relief but soon regretted your decision to break up  with her, and you reached out to her about early October. She told you that she was no longer available (“she was talking with someone”). You reached out to her again this month and she was more definite about being unavailable (“she has moved on”).

You wrote: “my problem is, I focus on flaws, and let those things cloud my judgment. I tend to think I am settling in most cases, but need to realize that I’m just as flawed as the next person, they are just more forgiving than I am”-

– having read your reply on another thread, reads tome  that in your previous relationship of six years ago, you were not focused on the flaws of  that woman, and you were forgiving of her flaws: She “suffered from many ups and downs…  depression.. did (not) do anything to help herself such as exercise..” then she broke up with you, started seeing a man who previously “left her hanging out to dry”, later she reached  out to you, “admitted her faults” and you took her back, “bought a house” with her and she broke up with you a second time “for someone else who got her pregnant”. The second breakup ended up “costing me years and a lot of money tied up in a mortgage”.

Well, you weren’t judgmental with your ex girlfriend, and you were very forgiving- you forgave her all the way to losing lots of time, money and you suffered a lot.

No  wonder you were cautious this time around, with this woman. Your decision to break up  with her was rational and reasonable. Like you wrote in your reply: “History tends to repeat and most people do  not change their ways”.

Her medicated bipolar- medications often stop working, need to be adjusted, sometimes people stop taking needed medications. You want to have children in the near future: how does pregnancy affect a bipolar woman? I don’t know, but it would be the responsible thing for a man to figure out when choosing a mother for his children. What about that cheating in her last relationship, who did the cheating, is something I would want to know if I was in your place.

The fact that she was very open and you felt comfortable with her, that reminds me of having visited long ago AA and other 12 step programs for drug addicts- many people there sharing their stories were very easy going,  very personable, seeming comfortable and likeable, but that doesn’t mean they were no longer using drugs. The openness was.. part of the program.

I think that your caution was warranted. The regret may be about you not having a better candidate right now, for a wife. I recommend that you do keep the rational approach to finding the right woman for yourself and “live more in the moment and not so much in my own head” with a more promising candidate.

anita