Wow, Anita. That is a powerful insight about parents, children, parent’s spouses and conditional love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. A shaman once told me that the only really, pure, and true love is that between a parent and a child (I think he specified mother and child). All other relationships involve 2 people who “use” each other for something. “Use” doesn’t have to mean a bad thing necessarily. It’s just something that each party gets from the other. A deal they make, so to speak.

This is making me question, “what is love?” A big topic to ponder…

It makes me sad that my Dad felt he needed to “buy” my stepmother’s love, but that seems like what it comes down to. It all feels so cold and transactional. But maybe this is an artifact of how my Dad felt about himself, or a different time and generation. I don’t know.

You’re so right, that these stories are so common. In addition to your friend’s story, I’ve heard of so many others like this. It’s pervasive and unfortunately you don’t see people’s true colors often until after the spouse dies. My sisters and I are lucky that my Dad had a Trust, and specified that we each get something.

It’s a bummer that he couldn’t stand up to his wife and convey his wishes to her. I’m still wrestling with why he told us, but I think in some way he was trying to make amends for losing our retirement. But yeah, I don’t think I will end up having a relationship with my stepmom in the future. I kind of feel like ultimately she saw my Dad as her and her daughter’s meal ticket, and the sad thing is, on some level that deal was OK for my Dad.

Thanks again for your help, insights, and understanding. I will continue to work through it, and ponder these larger questions.

Cristina