* A little addition, saying the above in other words:

You wrote: “I laid into my Dad and told him.. our relationship is now not good… let out at him which I think was needed… made it clear when I was letting him have it that he needed therapy for probably decades”-

– you were comfortable doing those things  because, I am considering, as a child and onward you witnessed your mother doing all these things (laying into him, telling him how bad the marriage was, letting out at him because she thought it was needed, making it clear to him that he needed therapy for decades, etc.) and you witnessed him… say and do nothing, that is, react passively to her.

Fast forward, you feel comfortable doing what she did because you expect him to react the same way he always did, passively. Sometimes he erupts somewhat with some anger, as all passive people do, but his eruptions are not scary.

On the other hand, your mother’s anger, that a different story, isn’t it. Maybe it is scary to assert oneself with her, so you don’t do it, wouldn’t think of doing it, just like your father doesn’t.

anita