Dear Nekoshema:

I am well, thank you.

Regarding your friend: “He’s encouraged me to start therapy, move out of my comfort zone, and start writing again.. respectful.. My friend defends me and builds me up at all times… He means so much to me”- seems to me that it would be a shame if you end your friendship with this man. How can it possibly be right to end a friendship with a person who means so much to you, who doesn’t hurt you, and who defends you at all times.

You don’t like how he behaves with your group of friends and your friends don’t like him in their group- reads to me that it will be wise for all people concerned if you keep your friendship with him one-on-one and no longer have him a part of your group of friends-and-fiancé (for as long as the flirtatious behavior between the two of you does not offend and hurt your fiancé or his girlfriend).

If “he loves to prove to people he’s right and they’re wrong”, if he “kept grabbing B’s foot, and B hates people touching her”, and he knows she hates that, I understand why your friends don’t like him.

I wonder though why your friends tolerate him in their group; why haven’t they told him that he is no longer welcome to group get- togethers.

“my two friends .. look at each other and then ask why I’m still friends with this guy because he’s obviously calculating and mean”- well, why are your two friends choosing to associate with an “obviously calculating and mean” person?

In other words, if he is mean to them, but is not mean to you, then they shouldn’t associate with him instead of telling you that you shouldn’t associate with him. They should make their own choices, not yours.

There is more in your two posts for me to comment on, and I can do so in the future, as we communicate further on the topic, if you want. I want to focus on my last point to you because I think that it will help you in your goal of no longer overly seek validation from others in this coming new year.

It is your friends’ business to protect themselves from hurtful people and separate themselves from the company of such people. It is not their business to tell you who you should be friends with, especially when the friend is a good friend to you.

It is easy to blame other people for all sorts of things. For example, your friends blame the guy for trying to isolate you from your family and for manipulating you (“K and B say it sounds as if he’s trying to isolate me from my family.. he’s actually manipulating me”). It is easy to blame others. I can blame K and B for the same things and say: they are trying to isolate you from this friend and manipulate you to end contact with him.

I read your two posts attentively this morning and it doesn’t seem to me that your friend is trying to isolate you from your family (instead, his motivation is to fight abuse and injustice),  and it doesn’t read to me that he manipulates you. It also doesn’t read to me that your friends are trying to isolate and manipulate you. Problem is, even though they mean well, they make your business theirs, trying to make a choice in regard to this man that is not theirs to make. And you have let them.

So New Year Resolution, or stated intent, should be… you take it from here, if you choose to do  so.

anita