Dear kapa:

This is what I understand about you and your life so far, based on what you shared here:

You were a very lonely child because your parents “were emotionally unavailable”, because your mother “doesn’t like to talk about problems, not even mine.. we have no emotional connection, no communication, no exchange of dialogues at home”.

When you were a young child, you didn’t have many words but you still needed to be seen and heard, to be understood, so  that you could understand yourself. A child is not meant to grow up in social isolation at home.

“it is just how all families are”, your mother told you. This is probably how her home was. And it is how many homes are: this is the reason why many people start their lives troubled.

(I hope it will be different in the future, in your home, and that your children will not be lonely in their own home).

All young children love their parents a whole lot. Even when anger and hate is added to that love later, the love for our parents never goes away. You love your mother so much that you can’t accept the idea that you will have love in a relationship with a man when she doesn’t. She comes first. This is how much you love her.

When you were handed over a smartphone and discovered online chatting websites, you experienced something you didn’t experience at home, something new and exciting: being liked, being told you are smart, intelligent, funny, being appreciated (“I had never felt like this before.. they would all like me.. called me smart.. I was addicted to this appreciation“).

As a child, you were hungry to be liked and appreciated. But instead of being liked and appreciated, you “faced beatings.. was verbally abused and yelled at”.

When your parents found out that you were “talking to a boy”, they made a mistake (it was not you who made the mistake). They didn’t understand that it is natural for a child to want to connect to another person, neither did they understand that a girl most often has an interest in a boy, in any home, conservative or  not. (They forgot that it was the same for them, when they were children).

They should have gently enforced behavioral rules for you, they should have done so with love, not hate (“they beat the sh** out of me”- that’s hate, not love). When your father didn’t talk to you for a whole year as punishment, that was hate, not love.

“I always blamed myself for talking to this boy and ruining my relationship with my parents”- but you are not guilty. Even before you ever talked to a boy, the relationship with your parents almost didn’t exist: “I spent a long years of my life playing alone with imaginary characters”-

-you had no real life relationship with your real-life parents. So  you had imagined relationships with imagined characters.

No wonder, when you discovered chat lines, you were hooked, it was a step  up from the completely imaginary social life of childhood.

“I have faced beatings at home.. verbally abused and yelled at but they were due to my own mistakes”, no, they were due to your parents’ mistakes. They were the ones doing the beating and yelling= they were the ones doing wrong. (You didn’t beat or yell at them= you didn’t do wrong).

I would like to continue to communicate with you and do what I can to help you, in the context of this thread. Take your time and if you want, let me know what you think about what I wrote to you so far, and we can take it from there.

anita