Dear blkhwkdwn1:

I want to go over that phone call you had with her yesterday: you told her that years ago she was your “light in the darkness and a reason for me to keep going”- that’s beautiful, and you told her that you hope “her light shines so bright and leads her in the right direction”, you sure have a way with words, well done. You told her to “not let anyone change who you are, not family/ boyfriend/ friends/ strangers”- excellent advice, a loving input there. You told her to “keep growing as a person and never stop.. and of course to be free”. I don’t know if you had these words written down or you spontaneously said these words, but in either case, what you told her was very valuable, loving, wise and beautiful.

No wonder her reaction was “fighting back the tears”!

And no wonder she thought the call was too short. And she was correct when she told you that you are “such a good friend”. When you told her how many days a week she works in her city, she noticed that “you’ve been paying attention”. She likes your attention to her.

After describing the call yesterday, you wrote: “I FAILED!!!”- to go no contact with her once again, but you succeeded in being a good friend to her, a loving, attentive friend, something she appreciates very much.

In your second post last night, you suggested that yes, you are people-who-need-people (what I wrote to you), but you need “to hang out with” “someone who wants me around in their life”- good qualification. You need to spend time with her more often. And you don’t want to chase her or pressure her to spend time with you,  you want her to want to spend time with you. You want her to need and want you (“just needing/ wanting me period”).

This morning I see something more clearly than ever before:  how it is more important to you that she wants to spend time with you than it is that she spends time with you. You would prefer that she doesn’t spend time with you than if she spent time with you feeling pressured to do so, not really wanting to. It fits with how important it is to you that she will be free. Free to spend time with you or not.

How are you feeling about this call today?

anita