Wow Anita – I am humbled, deeply by the enormous investment in time and thought into your reply and oh my gosh – how frustrating to lose two hours of your work. Your reply is spot on and absolutely reflects where I find myself. I am afraid of his anger and I have always avoided conflict like the plague. It is a toxic situation and I am trying to resolve it as ghandi like as possible because yes I am afraid of prolonged anger, positioning and hurt on all sides. An update – is that he told me he is so angry and frustrated he has ‘not together now’ with his girlfriend and met her to brief her of his home situation with me. It is my feeling based on what he said in the conversation that he has left a door open to resume the relationship after Christmas once things are resolved. He has booked a meeting with me on January first to chart a course though he says it will be a very difficult conversation.  I am working very hard using all my resources to bring my most rational brain to the conversation even though I do accept that he has been very disrespectful to me over the last few weeks and years to be honest with his attitude and controlling nature. He’s a totally different man now and virtually unrecognisable from the one I married. He has lumped all his woes and troubles of the last decade into my head and I’m to blame for everything- insofar as his current angry outbursts maintain, To be honest what you said about an open marriage with children pique my interest because in an ideal world – that would be least abrasive to all five of us with the least consequences when it comes to living separate lives but without the dramatic elements of legal intervention/custody arrangements/mediations etc etc and potential estrangement from the bitterness that can ensue.. how does one enter into that mindset? How do you cultivate an open marriage arrangement/environment/emotionally acceptable habitation? Is there a way I could move softly into that space? Whilst in my heart – if I had no kids I’d be on the first flight to New Zealand for a year – to detoxify my soul of all the terrible effects he has had on it over time with his resentment and contempt- I love my family with my whole being and the part he plays in it too. It’s complex I know and so much of my psychology is unexplored around this hyper-identification into him and clown self reliance/self esteem in myself that I do recognise . 2020 is my year for growing these parts of me and building resilience and greater independence. Anita – your thoughts and carefully and sensitively worded responses mean so much to me. I thank you. Oonagh x