Dear Katie:

Regarding #1, the nose. Fact: she created a problem for you that wasn’t there before. Before her repeated negative verbal input about your nose,  you were not concerned with your nose. After- you are focused on your nose. Regardless of why she said it, it has hurt you.

And regardless of why she said something negative about your nose the first time, she said it the second time, and then the third, and maybe more times.

Her reasons come down to either she is oblivious/ socially inept (your words) or she is mean, that is, she is trying to hurt your feelings and enjoying that she did. If she is mean, you are in trouble, because whenever we are in a relationship with a person who wants to hurt us, we are in trouble. If she is oblivious you are also in trouble because she will again and again say and do things that can hurt you.

Here is how you know if her reason is being oblivious and socially inept:  when she walks in the street does she tell people she passes by: hey, you are too tall! You are too short… too fat.. too scruffy. your nose is too big.. and on and on? If not, why doesn’t she? I imagine she wouldn’t because of being afraid they will hurt her back. This means that she knows that her words about your nose are hurtful.

How about a social gathering, does she tell people she knows in the group the same kinds of things? If not, she doesn’t because she knows it is hurtful and that the people she hurts are likely to hurt her back.

“she is just honest”- well, if she is honestly angry at someone, should she beat that person with a baseball bat?

Regarding #2, again, Fact: regardless of her reasons, she has hurt you. In the previous example she criticized something physical about you, here she criticizes your intelligence.

If she “genuinely doesn’t think (you’re) smart enough and just wants to be honest”, then she is.. not smart at all and not intelligent. Because an intelligent and smart person would know that saying those things to another (especially to children, and I hope that she won’t continue her abusive verbal input to her future children!) is harmful. Plus it is arrogant, who is she to decide how smart you are!

“She even says this about things I am objectively good at” leads to the reason being indeed “she wants to hurt my feelings and lower my self esteem”.

I read #3 and it doesn’t change my conclusion at this point:

The title of your current thread is: “I don’t know how much more I can take”-

– my answer: you don’t have to take any more of your cousin’s verbal assaults. I mentioned earlier her future children. It is so sad to think about it: they will have to take her verbal assaults. They will have no choice because as young children they can’t perceive being without their mother.

But you do have a choice. Tell her that you hope very much that she will not do this to her own children, criticize their looks and their intelligence, because it will hurt them way more than it hurt you. Then either end all contact with her or tell her something like this:

in the next four months, Jan 12- May 12, I need you to not criticize anything about me at all, not my looks, not my intelligence, not my studies, not my boyfriend, nothing at all, for four whole months. If you agree to what I just said we can continue to be in contact, if you don’t agree, I will be ending my contact with you. What do you choose?

If she agrees, then continue friendly contact with her, but the moment she breaks her own word, end contact with her.

If she ignores your assertion and tells you anything of the following: I didn’t criticize you, you really do have a big nose, your boyfriend really is a loser, really, you aren’t smart, if you were smart, you would know I didn’t criticize you, you are only imagining this, don’t you remember all the positive things I said to you about yourself.. etc.  etc. etc.- don’t participate in a ridiculous argument with her but instead, repeat yourself a second time:

zero criticism on your part for four months or  no contact now, which one do you choose?

If she still argues, then announce: I am now enforcing no contact between you and me. Then walk away, block her from your phone, social media and in each and every way.

anita