Hi fellow heartbroken peeps

I found this forum when I was having one of those desperate nights we all have. Read the first 10 or so pages and then skipped to the end which was very interesting!

My story will be familiar in parts to a lot of you. Basically, just trying to get over my first heartbreak.

I dated a girl (for context, I am also a woman) for almost 5 months and she broke up with me 2.5 months ago. I feel silly for being so cut up about something that wasn’t long, but here we are.

It was my first proper relationship, and actually first kiss, first everything. She was also what prompted me to come out as queer… which added a whole other level of complexity!

For context,  never really saw a relationship happening for me- I have major self-confidence issues due to using a wheelchair – I had been on dates, but nothing really went anywhere and no one really expressed any real interest in me except a close childhood friend of mine (who is still a close friend but we decided it was nothing more).

so when this happened I really couldn’t believe my luck. I never knew what people meant about ‘sparks flying’ or ‘butterflies’ til I met her. We had our work cut out for us from the start in that she had chronic health conditions herself and it meant that she had to cancel dates a lot due to being sick. To make things worse, I couldn’t go and see her at her house because it wasn’t accessible. This led to a lot of anxiety on my part – expecting her to cancel all the time, feeling so frustrated at the logistics etc.

Still, I truly thought I had finally found my person, had just met her parents and she was supposed to meet mine. She helped me through a lot emotionally and encouraged me to get counselling after many years of struggling with anxiety. Over the course of a few short months she became one of the most important people in my life.

But long story short she cut things off because she said she realised she did not have strong feelings for me. Deep down, I think I knew this but I was also anxious a lot of the time so didn’t trust my judgement. Still, I felt really blindsided and hurt- for me, things were only just beginning. I was supposed to go up to her parents’ place after Christmas, for example. She also claimed I was the ‘perfect’ person for her yet could not give me the connection I wanted. For some reason this has been really hurtful. She said she still wanted me in her life and that I was a ‘one of her favourite people’ But also that she’s pretty content on being solitary.

Since then I have experienced the pain of heartbreak. All the things you all know so well. I just feel so annoyed because before this happened I was actually fairly content with being single. By all accounts I have many good friends and am not short on people who care for me. But now it feels like a box has been opened and I can’t shut it. She is always on my mind and I hate that I am giving someone so much of my headspace when they made the conscious choice to not be with me.

I tried to keep up contact with her for the first couple of weeks after the breakup but then forced myself to have almost a month of no contact because it felt like torture. Now we are back in contact again and I am perplexed as to why my mind and brain is so intent on trying to be friends with her when rationally I know I am not over her and contacting and seeing he won’t make me feel better. We have seen each other a few times and each time afterwards I have felt upset that we aren’t together anymore. Yet we are meeting again tomorrow for lunch – at my suggestion!! I also seem to be anxious about her not keeping me in her life – but I’m unsure why I care so much. After all, if she is content on being solitary, nothing I do is going to change that.I know rationally to heal I need to let go of the idea of her, of us, of being in each others’ lives, but my heart and brain is not ready it seems….

Anyway, I feel like this might be a good place to hold myself to account and connect with others going through the same pain, as endless as it feels. Thanks again for sharing your stories here. It has made me feel so much less insane and alone.

x