Thank you so much for your replies Michelle and Shelby. I really appreciate your kind but honest words. I have a feeling I will be looking back on them for comfort when things feel hard in days to come. You are so right Shelby about it being an amazing feat to love. In my good moments I marvel at the fact that I experienced such a strong connection to another person and am encouraged by the insights the experience has given me into what kind of partner I am and what kind of partner I want. And then I go back to despairing but it is good to have those moments of clarity however brief!

The lunch we had together yesterday was lovely. I suppose that is the problem. I had a bit of a realisation afterwards that part of the reason why it hurts so much is that my love for her is built on an emotional connection, rather than a physical one (she really struggled with physical intimacy for reasons much bigger than me and I internalised that, but that’s another issue..). I think this makes it easy for me to slip back into that space when I see her because we just connect so well on an intellectual and emotional level, and I think she would agree. She said herself that it was ‘sooo good to see me’ when we said goodbye. And I believe her. I said similar to a good friend when I caught up with her last weekend and I meant it but the difference is I do not have the same ‘pull’ because I don’t have romantic feelings for her. This is useful for me to keep in mind because it helps me understand how my ex must feel, and I think that is useful as hurtful as it is.

I think I have also made progress in that I resisted the urge to message her afterwards and reiterate that it was nice to see her. I have learned the only thing more anxiety inducing than not hearing from her is reaching out and waiting for a reply. This was the case when we were together too – she didn’t really like communicating via text and I used to end up in a huge anxiety spiral about not hearing from her. This is something I am trying to work through in counselling because I can see it happening again in future relationships.

My birthday is in 3 weeks and I am going to try and assume that I will not hear from her before then, and importantly, not contact her either. But I also need to try and work through the possibility of not hearing from her on my birthday even though if I’m honest, I will be extremely hurt if I don’t… as you say, one day at a time!

Thank you again for taking the time to both comfort me while also giving me a gentle reality check. 🙂

And I don’t know if it helps, Shelby, but you are certainly not alone in feeling like you are not self sufficient enough / too dependable on others. But I think it actually takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to depending on other people knowing they may not come through. I may have  a different perspective than most given I have no choice to depend on others in my every day life to some extent due to my disability, but I certainly see it as a strength to both be ok with asking for and receiving help from others. Showing such vulnerability is very grown up indeed I would suggest!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend despite all of life’s hard stuff. X

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Adelaide1.