Hi Anita,

Wow! Well that is very impressive. Well done !

I did have a run in with this man tonight at a big show in our neighborhood… luckily I was with a group of friends, guys included, so not much of my focus was on him. (although he DID come and approach me again and linger around, asking me how I was, etc. I eventually turned away and continued focusing on my friends–not to be rude but just because I’d like to create this boundary for myself and he is no longer all of my focus anymore). It felt good to begin recognizing small steps to take to regain my self-confidence and self-value. I felt so devalued by him before, but slowly I’m realizing that’s not real. Later that night by random chance, I learned from a few new friends who happened to mention him and that apparently “no one is able to connect with him, and he has never been able to be vulnerable with anyone–just not in his personality and it’s actually sad because hes a nice guy”. I thought it was interesting hearing this–of course I held my tongue and everything between him and I is not known to these people. I found it interesting because he was vulnerable with me a few times, and we were able to connect, but I also found it validating that other people find him confusing and no one can really get through to him–as that is just his nature I suppose.

As for the CBT exercise:

I didn’t love girly things because in my mind they were boring. I got a lot of attention from boys and I think I fed off that attention, so I wanted to continue that and be a part of their circle. The group of boys I hung out with (including my brother) always wanted to do fun things outside and get messy, and I just had more fun with them (skateboarding, video games, playing tag, climbing trees, playing pranks on people, etc) I didn’t care about getting my shoes or clothes dirty, or messing up my hair. That just wasn’t “in” me, because I cared more about the inclusion, fun, and attention probably. I liked hearing that so-n-so had a crush on me. I also loved being competitive with them and trying to beat them at activities.

Girls at that age also seemed more whiney, catty, and sensitive about things. I remember a few of them also being very bossy. I always wanted to do more adventurous things. And yes I did find those few girls who were also like me, more adventurous and tom-boyish, but overall I remember feeling bored and missing hanging out with the boys whenever I was at a sleepover with girls or at a girls-only party.