Hello Anita,

Thank you for this enlightening post and for pointing out what would inevitably happen if we hooked up again (because I had actually felt all those things the last time we hooked up–it caused me stress, frustration, and pain. So naturally it would be no different if we hooked up again)

First: I agree he might want that. I also believe that in the past there was a point (after we hung out one night) where I realized I’m trying to make it work with him so much because I’m lonely. After that realization came, I began to focus on making friends with people, men included, as opposed to looking for dates/sex. I also recognized the role alcohol played in our hookup situations/the fact that the hook ups began after my dad got cancer and I needed someone so I grabbed onto him (interesting that this man is very similar to my father in his lifestyle and personality…..). All of this awareness is what’s allowing me to be more objective about this man and our situation. For some reason I have had it in my mind for so long that I can’t “just be friends” with a guy… that all guys just want to sleep with me, and therefore I tend to allow it to happen–when in reality all I need and needed are platonic friends and the ability to communicate my truth/boundaries.

The only thing I want from him at this point is to express my emotions should the moment come–but again, I don’t feel I can be the one to initiate that conversation at this point. Unless there was a moment where we found ourselves alone (which has happened at the beach several times) where I felt we could have a private honest conversation. I can also imagine him wanting to hook up with me again, and there being a moment where I can say “No. I was actually really upset by our last encounter for reasons a,b,and c…and I just need someone who values consistency and wants to get to know me and match my energy, which you arent able to. So we should just be friends”. Or maybe just that, the truth that really what I need are platonic friends in my life… I think sex is very psychological for me and it really muddies my feelings when that’s involved.

Yes I did feel emotionally constipated and disconnected around her. My mother I believe was probably emotionally closed off due to her own upbringing as well as being unhappy and fearful in her marriage.  She didn’t have the support she needed with raising my brother and I, and dealing with a husband who was almost like another child was too much for her to handle–so I do understand why she was that way. I wonder if there are exercises I can do with practicing feelings or practicing expressing my emotions? I think you are very spot on with how I felt more connected to my dad and his emotions as well. We’ve ALWAYS been very “in tune” with eachother. And yes, every so often I do feel sad and bored, which leads me to reach for higher goals and new experiences… this has mostly been a good byproduct though as I’ve reached success in my career goals and continue meeting new people and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone (for example, teaching yoga, planning yoga retreats, meeting inspiring like minded people)

I also feel like yes, I wish I had talked to this guy about what I was feeling–which I believe that I can still talk to him about my feelings as time goes on, the more we run into eachother. But I want it to come from a place where it’s not for romantic interest or gain, but more for my own practice in expressing my truth and communicating my feelings and connecting with a person. The more time goes on, the more I realize we would have been a very bad match at that time, and he would actually have been a terrible boyfriend for me if we had agreed to make our relationship be that way.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.