Dear Narsil:

You described making healthy changes in how you function within the relationship with your boyfriend, such as no longer automatically assuming he is right and apologizing, “But all this makes me feel uneasy”- it is natural to feel uneasy when we change our behavior, even when the changes are healthy. It is uncomfortable to stop operating one way and start operating in a different way.

“it’s like my love for him was based on a huge inferiority complex (he was a hero and I was worthless.. ), and now that I am feeling a bit more secure, now he is inferior, he is not worth it.. and often I feel I should just leave”-

-the significant changes that are happening in how you view yourself and others are very unsettling. It is like a storm happening in the brain: what was up is now down, what was down is now up and items are out of place-  we get confused.

If you did suffer a storm, the thing to do is.. to do nothing until the wind stops  and the all the items that moved around in the wind settle down where they settle, and the dust settles too so that you can see what is in front of you, no longer blinded by the dust.

“he is my best friend.. He is so  wise and mature and steady and generous and calm and understanding and patient and just giving” – then ask your best friend to generously give you a break: the time and the place you need to let the dust settle. If you can’t have this break while living with him, then move elsewhere, maybe back to London to have the break that you need.

What do you think?

anita