Dear Anita,

Thank you for your in-depth and detailed response to my initial posting(s). I very much appreciate your time and hearing back from you.

Yes, I think I’m still very much in a struggle between denial and acceptance at my father’s passing. My heart and brain don’t want to accept that he is gone. So, I think your insight into my distancing myself from that in how I phrased the changes happening is accurate and insightful.

And yes, you’re spot on, my parents divorced when I was quite young, though neither remarried or got in a relationship with anyone else.

I agree, I do need to find out how to make peace and quiet for myself in the midst of chaotic life events and trying to adjust and learn in a new job. I tend to get easily stuck in a certain mindset and once I get going it’s hard to derail my negative thoughts and think rationally. So I’ve been mostly avoiding/denying what’s going on, but every so often it hits me and I have some emotional outbursts (crying).

And yes, apart from a short blip, the majority of my life I’ve been single. As much as I’d love to have a significant other, the thought is very anxiety-invoking and stressful to me. Putting myself in that kind of situation is scary for me to consider.

Absolutely, I fully acknowledge that relationships are integral to life, it’s just that a lot of relationships in my life have been painful experiences. Growing up in a small town with people who are narrow-minded and will pick on you just because you’re different. I had a rough time in school and being labeled “the sensitive one.” I do think my previous job was very traumatic as the work environment was very toxic. My supervisor was very aggressive and unkind to me, and I was at that job for many years. I am very relieved to no longer be in that environment, but I think I probably haven’t processed or dealt with those experiences fully. I have a hard time putting myself out there and making true connections with people (outside my immediate family).