Hi Anita,

I wanted to give you a little update. Since our last conversation, I have been going to therapy regularly (every other week or two) and have been trying to work everything that you mentioned out. I have also been taking antidepressants. It has been difficult to do this work, but I think it is my only hope of finding true happiness in the future.

Yesterday I had a session with my psychologist that really hit home. She mentioned that all my major “regrets” in the last couple of years involve my parents. I thought about this, and it’s true. With J, the original person I started this thread about, I feel subconsciously I sabotaged the relationship because my parents did not like or approve of him. Looking back, he was basically the antithesis of my parents. Where they are cold, critical and judgmental, he was warm, supportive and reassuring. He gave me emotionally what my parents never did or probably could. Also, with my recent regrets of starting my own practice, I believe this is due to the timing and how my parents demanded that I do it as quickly as possible, which I did. Rather than listening to my heart and gut that was telling me that the timing wasn’t right for me.

My psychologist mentioned that it seems like my parents feel the need to dictate all of my major life decisions to me, rather than let me sort it out on my own. I believe this to be true. She also mentioned that it seems my father soothes his general anxiety by telling me what to do and how to feel (ex. “Don’t do that… don’t be upset” etc.) which I believe is also true. At the end of the session, she said something that deeply affected me. She said in order for me to change this dynamic, to set boundaries with my parents once and I for all, I need to accept that they essentially cost me someone extremely dear to me, J. I thought about this all last night, and I really think sadly that this is true. Even that horrible night where I lashed out at him happened after my parents got involved and told me they did not want me to be with him long term.

I’m very sad today, thinking about all of this. I think about how my siblings have effectively over the years set healthy boundaries with my parents (either by moving away physically or refusing to talk about certain subjects) while I never really did. I thought about how they have all moved on with their personal lives, and I never really did. I am angry with myself too for allowing this to happen, and allowing for this cycle of enmeshment to cost me people and relationships that are irreplaceable to me. I feel like this learning took me too long, and not realizing it sooner cost me too much. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss J dearly. I think I truly loved him and in my heart of hearts, I believe if I hadn’t have gotten my parents involved with their strong opinions, we would probably still be together today. I am trying to completely reach acceptance that this will never happen, that life did not play out that way and grieve him and the relationship completely, but it is hard to grieve someone that is still living. Someone that is giving to someone else what I couldn’t fully value or appreciate at the time. He had his faults, but he tried and was present with me emotionally and physically at a time I desperately needed it. I still do. I feel unfortunately I will always miss that with him, and I wish I had had the courage those years ago to focus on that, rather than pleasing my parents.

I have decided that at the very least, I will not let my parents dictate any more of my decisions in the future. That I will keep more of my private life just that, private from them. I’m confident I will not repeat the same mistakes. But at the same time, I am devastated over what it has already cost me, and after all these years, I don’t know how to fully let J go. I miss him and his warmth, the little things of getting ready in the morning together, sharing our deepest secrets in the evenings, and holding each other all night. It breaks my heart knowing he is doing all of that now with the person he saw right after me. I have been on several dates since, even met someone that really reminds me of him both in appearance and demeanour, but in a lot of ways he also reminds me of how J excelled in what I wanted in a partner in most ways, and this new individual doesn’t quite.

I know I must move on, that nothing can change the past. But how do you do that when you can’t seem to find someone else to fill that person’s spot in your life, and each passing day you miss them maybe more than the last?

Thank you again Anita. Your help has been invaluable to me.

L

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by laelithia.