Dear Joakim:

“My mother were pretty cold and indifferent when I was little… I also have trouble reading emotions”-

– she was cold and indifferent, there were no emotions to read.

I don’t think you were born with a difficulty reading emotions. I think your mother expressed no emotions for you, so there was nothing to read.

When a woman doesn’t act motherly toward her child, when she doesn’t display motherly affection for her child, the child doesn’t see that woman as his mother. Maybe he calls her mother, or mom, but he doesn’t feel that special closeness of a boy for his mother.

At a certain age, a boy starts being curious sexually, so he sees a woman and he peaks.

When she caught you peaking at 14, she asked you: “Have you ever seen women before?”, referring to herself as a woman, not as your mother. It reads like she didn’t feel close  to you as a mother feels for her son. In her heart, you were a stranger boy. No wonder then that in your heart, she was a stranger woman, and it didn’t feel wrong to peak at a stranger woman.

It is possible that you were not at all born being on the autistic spectrum, but instead, you were born to an extremely cold and indifferent woman, and that arrested your emotional development.

anita