Dear Joakim:

Some of the proposed causes for autism are controversial, from the refrigerator mother theory proposed in 1943 to the vaccination theory proposed in 1998. The modern consensus is that autism has a strong genetic basis, but the genetics of autism are not well understood and the result of genetic studies as I understand them (I am not a professional) are not convincing to me.

Again, I am not a psychologist or a doctor, but reading your description of your mother fits the refrigerator mother theory (you can read about it if you want in Wikipedia). There are current professionals who believe in this theory and even the popular Alice Miller believes in autism being caused by child neglect and/or abuse.

As to your concern about your teenage behavior- regardless of the question of whether you were born on the autistic spectrum or not- you said it yourself:  “When I were 19 or so… she hugged me and cried.. I genuinely thought until that moment hat she couldn’t possibly love me… My mother were pretty cold and indifferent when I was little. That’s something I remember clearly”-

-what this means to me is that for 19 years she behaved toward you as if she was a stranger to you: cold and indifferent. This kind of mother would be harmful to any child born to her. It is not controversial that young children (as well as other young animals) need their mother’s affection very much, and it is not controversial that growing up without affection harms children.

So give yourself a break for peaking long ago. Don’t worry about apologizing to your mother about it, (she is not worried about apologizing to you for 19 years of zero affection, is she?)

Let it go, Joakim, move away from the guilt and shame. No reason for you to feel shame and guilt for this behavior long ago. Make the best life possible for yourself now, and post again anytime.

anita