Hi Anita,

Around six months ago, we had just started our school in the US and it was a cultural shift for us. For example, one needs to cook and clean his own utensils every time. Back in my country, domestic help is very cheap. Additionally, cleaning the house and getting the household/grocery items needs to be taken care of by yourself.

So, initially, when we arrived things were fine as I wanted to adjust with my flatmates. I cooked for all three of us and cleaned the dirty dishes as well. But after some time, when coursework pressure started building, it became annoying for me to handle all the chores along with my studies. There were times when I cooked a meal for all three of us and then stored it. Later when I checked the fridge, the meal had been finished by my flatmates and the dirty dishes were in the sink. This made me livid but I didn’t react to this as well. I tried to passively handle the situation and I thought that my flatmates would show some maturity and things might settle down. So, one day while I was with one of my flatmates, some discussion broke out between us and I remarked that we need to distribute the cleaning of cooking utensils among all of us as it becomes difficult for one to handle cooking and cleaning of dishes for three people. The third flatmate only consumed the food and never went to buy any groceries or cooked the food or cleaned the dishes. Now, in the evening, this flatmate mentioned this to the third flatmate who became livid and started bashing me. Whenever I become angry, I usually overcompensate for that and the arguments are more like fights. This happened that day and it was decided that everyone among us would cook and clean after themselves.

Now, things have been really weird between us many times. For example, If he is cooking anything then he would ask the other flatmate (who is more of an opportunistic) if he wants to eat but would not ask me even if I am in the same room. I would reciprocate similarly.

Once, I told him to clean his dishes and even though he didn’t say anything to me, he cleaned up all the dishes of everyone. That was not out of altruism or care but out of anger(might be).

Then, we usually buy a particular variety of frozen pancakes and that has been discussed as well between us. Almost 95% of the time, I go out and buy household stuff from toilet paper to groceries. That time I didn’t replenish the pancakes when we ran out of them. Now, he went out and bought a variety which I particularly hate. Though this might not have been done out of spite, I could not prevent myself from overthinking.

I am not looking for any special concessions but just some empathy. I want to be in an atmosphere where If I need something then my flatmates/friends can help me out and that I can reciprocate the same to them.

For your third question, he said in a pitiful voice that I have to do all the stuff and I should be helped by others. But then helping in mandatory household chores is his responsibility as well which is implicit. I should not have to run after them or remind them to do all that. He just said this and never did offer to take out the trash. I had to explicitly say this again that the chore of taking out the trash should be shared by all.