Dear SearchForSelfPeace:

I studied your posts so far and this is my input this morning:

1. You are a very nice person, caring about others.

2. Your flatmate/s have been rude to you in regard to accepting you doing all the cooking and house chores as well as paying for food and household items without gratitude or reciprocating, making it fair, and otherwise.

3. You think little of yourself aka having a low self esteem. Although it is possible that you are indeed not good looking, and it is most probable that your low self esteem is visible and audible, you are still a person of equal worth to any of the popular students in the university you attend, including your flatmates.

It is necessary that you learn of your own worth being no less than any other’s and that you will start behaving as a person of equal worth to any other person.

What happens when a person behaves congruently with a low self esteem, is that other people witnessing your low self esteem, treat you accordingly. When you think that you are inferior to others (and it shows in your facial expressions/ body language, voice, words used, and behavior otherwise)—> other people treat you like an inferior.

* Not all people treat a low self esteemed person as inferior, but a whole lot of people do.

4. Some people with a low self esteem try to be of service to  others so that the others will esteem them. For example, it may very well be that the reason you cooked and cleaned for your flatmates as well as spent your money on them is because you felt inferior to them, felt that they can see that you are inferior, and hoped that they will at least value you for your service, doing house chores, etc.

– it doesn’t work because most people will take your services for granted, and will not value you more.

5. When a person does for others, pays for  others again and again without reciprocation, and the  situation becomes unfair and unjust, the doer/ payer gets angry, naturally. But he/ she holds his anger in, not letting it show (being passive), but eventually, the anger erupts and is expressed in an over the top way (being aggressive). That over the top/ aggressive anger turn people off.

So let’s say you cooked for your flatmates for a month, and cleaned, and paid for their share of  stuff, no reciprocation, then you finally explode with anger. What they remember next and forevermore, is not the whole month of service, but your angry explosion, and they hold it against you.

It is very important then, that you don’t contribute to an unjust situation. In the case, that from the beginning, or after the first or second time that you cooked for them or did the chores, that you would have stopped the unfair arrangement and no longer cooked for them, cleaned for them or paid for them.

–and now, I will quote from you with my comments:

* “There might be some deficiencies in my behavior which are a turn-off for people”- the deficiencies are probably your expressed low self esteem and your over the top anger when you do eventually get angry.

* “I have always been sort of the third wheel in most of the friendships I have till now.. on the outskirts of my social circle. Other people in the group resonated a lot with each other and less with me”-probably because of your expressed low self esteem: you feel that you are not worthy of being a first or second wheel.. and other people agree with you.

* “deep down I understand that I am a boring person”- that may be true, but it is the low self esteem that came first, the boring came second. I have no doubt, having communicated with you here, that you can be a very interesting person in company.

* “I am not very good looking”- that may be true, but there are plenty of people who are not very good looking who are interesting people and who are valued by lots of people.

* “not dating anyone in 27 years of my life”- that can change in the next few months, if you manage to bring your self esteem up.

* “I watch others enjoying their life and making lasting/ deeper connections but here I am lonely in all phases of life”- when a person doesn’t believe in one own’s worth, most others reciprocate that belief, and reject the (alleged) Unworthy.

* “I cooked for all three of us and cleaned.. But after some time.. it became annoying for me to handle all the chores.. This made me livid.. I tried to passively handle the situation.. Whenever I become angry, I usually overcompensate for that and the arguments are more like fights”-

– you contributed to an unjust situation (you cooking and cleaning for all three)=> you got a bit angry (annoyed), then more angry (livid), but you remained passive, and eventually you exploded, or overcompensated.

In summary: the situation with your flatmates has been established already, and it is unlikely to change, so I would try to change it other than get along with them on a superficial level. If I was you, I wouldn’t try to be friends with any of them, and instead, be concerned only with a smooth living with them for as long as you have to live with them.

You can look into the origin of your low self esteem with the counselor that you will be seeing. Understanding the origin will help you some. Learning social skills will be of great help, as well as practicing (in front of a mirror; in front of the counselor maybe): how to stand, how to walk, how to look at others when you talk to them, how to talk, tone of voice etc., so to appear confident. This process will not be easy and it will take time, but with work and persistence you will be able to feel better and better about yourself and connect with others in intimate and lasting ways.

And do post here anytime.

anita