Dear kiwiboy0897:

Your partner didn’t do anything wrong for having felt attraction to Steve. It would have been wrong if he acted on that attraction. His attraction by itself was not a betrayal of you.

The fact that he told you about his attraction to Steve was a mistake that he made, a mistake that harmed you, not a betrayal. He told you himself that “it was a mistake“, that “he didn’t think about it”, that is, he didn’t consider the consequences of telling you. Instead he was impulsive and told you without thinking.

Having admitted his mistake, “He was remorseful and acknowledges that he caused (you) grief, and has been putting in effort to fix this”- excellent on his part. Better, of course, that he kept that feeling of attraction at the time to  himself,  instead of telling you about it. But the fact that he apologized to you, that he acknowledged the hurt that he caused you, and most importantly, that he has been trying to fix this, including not having Steve in the gym/in his life anymore is commendable!

About you feeling worthless, insecure and betrayed, it may help you to think that in the future, you will likely feel attraction to another man yourself, even though you are with your partner. And your partner is likely to feel attraction again, to another person. It happens in the life of every couple. Hopefully, none of you will act on it, or tell the other about it, and instead, let it pass.

We don’t  own our partner’s feelings, or have exclusive rights to their feelings. We have exclusive rights to their behavior, not to their feelings. In other words, your partner owes you  his fidelity- it is possible for him to give you that. He doesn’t owe you to never feel attracted to anyone else- it is not any more possible for him anymore than it is for you.

Do I make sense to you?

anita