Dear Gwen:

“do you think I can speak up to his relatives on this?”- no, I don’t think you should speak to your relatives at all. I think that you should get away from them as soon as possible and have no contact with them whatsoever.

“The worst case scenario that I can picture after telling them that I am moving out is that they will ask me to take care of my father… I cannot picture living with him for the rest of my life. Am I very heartless to even say this?”- no, you are not heartless to say this. it is your father who has been heartless throughout your life, and your relatives are right behind your father in heartlessness. You need to get away from these heartless people, to get away- not to stay and negotiate with them!

“I am very afraid of people judging me or badmouthing me. Because this (judgment from relatives etc. as my father is poor and no career) started to happen since being a child. Can I do not bear his medical/ living costs and just leave?”- yes, you can just leave. You don’t owe your father (or relatives) anything at all. You have no debts. You are free to leave.

You were trained as a child, by the judging and badmouthing, to become mentally and practically a slave. Even though you are not held in metal chains to your father and relatives, they have been holding you captive using mental, invisible chains. Think of it this way: if you were held captive by heavy metal chains and you tried to get away, it would physically hurt and you will bleed. Being held by mental chains, as you try to get away, it hurts emotionally: feeling shame and guilt is emotional pain, and it is so  painful to feel shame and guilt, and fear of being badmouthed, that it keeps you from breaking free.

It is not the same physical pain as metal chains cutting through your flesh, but it (shame, guilt, fear) is pain nonetheless, pain that keeps you from breaking free.

I suggest that you and your partner break free, that you move away, far from your father and relatives, that you leave them behind without telling them that you are leaving. If it takes leaving your job behind and getting a job elsewhere, do so. Plan your move, execute it, and have no contact with your father and other relatives. See to it that your father and relatives do  not know your new location of residence and work. Far away from them, you will not hear their judgment and badmouthing, they will all be part of your past, and your past is where they belong.

anita