Dear Katie:

Regarding the first part of your recent post, about your cousin, your nose and .. your gut: obviously you can’t trust your gut to tell you if your nose is small or big. Problem is you can’t trust science either, because you measured your nose, researched and compared nose sizes and still, your gut says one thing one time and another thing at another time. Here is what I suggest: assume that you do have a big nose, and imagine you have a young child with a big nose- will you abuse that child, put her in front of a mirror and tell her: look what a big nose you have, how ugly you are, I hate you for having a big nose! Will you say it to that little girl with sad eyes looking up to you, hurt beyond words? Or will you keep your thoughts about her nose to yourself, no matter how unpleasant, and say nothing to the child, treating her kindly at all times?

Stop fighting within yourself: small nose or big nose? Choose big nose and live with it well.

Regarding your cousin, you wrote: “I want to end contact with her so badly.. However, it seems so difficult. Going back to my body dysmorphia, I feel like my nose holds me back..”- with all due respect to the size of your nose, it can’t possibly be big enough to exert such force as to hold your whole body back. It can’t even stand on its own! So it’s not the nose that is holding you back, it’s fear and mental distress.

And who is feeding your fear and distress? Answer: your cousin, you wrote it yourself: “I want to end contact with her so badly. I feel that it would help me grow”- meaning she is holding you back, she is exerting force against you, keeping you stuck. If not by things she currently tells you, then by the memory of what she did say and by knowing that she can say negative things to you anytime, because that’s her habit with people.

If and when you cut contact with your cousin (and any person who holds you back from bettering yourself and growing), it will not solve all your problems, it will be a necessary beginning to solving problems.

Regarding the second part of your recent post, your relationship with your boyfriend and your nose: you shared that you’ve been “losing feelings for my boyfriend.. attracted to other people.. crushing on other people”, and you imagined being with one of your crushes but you feel that you are not pretty enough for him to want to be with you, because of your nose. My input: I know nothing about your boyfriend and about your relationship with him, I don’t know if it is a healthy relationship. So I have no thoughts on what you should do about this relationship. What I do know is that your nose, as big as it may be, is not the center of life as we know it. You can hear about the Coronavirus all day long on the radio/ online, but nothing (absolutely nothing) about Katie’s nose, outside your thread right here.

Again, stop being conflicted about your nose, assume it is big (although not big enough to make local, national or international news) and find a way to experience a better life. After all, there are women whose noses were publicly acknowleded to be big, and yet, they live a better life than yours. Join that group of women!

anita