Dear Luli:

February 2017, 3 years and a month ago, you shared that you had a male friend for four years (since about 2013), of which the last nine months the two of you “got really close to each other”, that the two of you “always talk, see each other, do activities together.. truly share our lives.. really close.. almost couple”. You described him as a man who is “caring and loving, words will never be enough to describe him”.

When you expressed your love for him, he “never says anything back, he just listens silently or give me a tender look”. And sometimes he ignores you completely, and when you bring it up to him, he says: “calm down and be fine”. You keep taking initiatives so to solve problems, but when problems are solved, they “come to the surface again”.

When you asked him where the two of you stood, he said “he has a barrier inside that he is working on it so he can feel the same”. You also wrote about him the following: “He says that I am the closest to him and he does not like it when I am sad”, and that his love for you “shows in his eyes and behavior” and that when you asked him to take a break, “he refused such break totally!” When you backed off from him, “he kept inviting me out and doing things together, he said that he wants me to be happy and he would do anything.. that he does not want me to be away”.

You wrote: “It’s tiring to not know where I stand… It hurts a lot.. I am very tired and exhausted”.

December 2018, ten months later, you wrote in a second and third thread: “How to deal with a boyfriend who yells at his girlfriend whenever anything goes wrong or not his way, even when she is sharing her stories about her day? It is sad not feeling comfortable while talking to your partner that you cannot share everything” And that on your first relationship anniversary all you heard from him is “what he dislikes about the relationship”. You wrote that he was 15 years older than you and after a year of relationship, you want to know about the next step, but he didn’t want to consider the next step, wishing that you just wanted to be with him, like you used to say.

March 2020, a year and four months later, in your fourth and current thread, you wrote that in your three year relationship, you “feel super exhausted and frustrated from being neglected and ignored” by your partner, feeling “the constant crying feeling.. sad and bad.. crying all the time.. very tired”, that you “already give so much… compromising and exert so much effort”.

My input today: seems to me that much of the effort that you exerted in regard to this man for so long has been unecessary, meaning that you often stirred up unecessary drama in the relationship. I get the feeling from what you shared, that you were often agitated, anxious, that you talked too much, told him too much about your day and your feelings, going on and on, and if he didn’t say what you wanted him to say, when you wanted him to say it, you got upset and complained about it; that you repeatedly brought up problems to be solved… and all that drama is what tired you so much.

If I understand correctly, then all that drama tires him too. He had a lot of fun with you, enjoyed your company a lot, but he is also gets tired, and that’s the reason sometimes he doesn’t respond to you, or keeps a distance- he needs rest.

He may very well have something that blocks him, he may be afraid of committing to any woman, but in addition to that, he may be even more afraid to be committed to a woman who is often agitated, unhappy and keeps stirring up drama.

anita