Dear Jackie G:

First I will retell your story with quotes (it helps me process information when I do this), and second I will give you my thoughts.

You shared that you moved to  Adelaide, Australia from Canada for six months in 2016 as a university exchange student. In Australia you met the love of your life, or so you believed, and spent lots of time with him during the six months of your stay there, not communicating much about the nature of your relationship because the two of you were “usually drunk when together on weekends and he had been taking a lot of acid and smoking pot”. When you tried to talk to him about your relationship, he “would jump off my balcony, run out my front door, just walk away”.

One Friday, he said he’ll come over to your apartment but he never did, and he ignored your calls and texts. That same night you saw him “walking with two other girls”. You confronted him about it and the two of you didn’t speak for a week.

The following weekend, the two of you ran into each other and in a “drunken stupor”, had “a massive argument” that ended up with you “getting arrested and thrown in the drunk tank for the night”.

The two of you didn’t speak for a month, but a week before you were to leave Australia, he messaged you that he wanted “to meet up and reconcile”. You then “met up, hooked up a few times over that last week, and eventually said our goodbye”.

For a couple of years, you living in Canada and he living in Australia, the two of you spoke on and off. During those “very meaningful” talks that two  of you “came to the decision that we truly loved each other and wanted to give a serious relationship a try”.

By June 2019 you flew to Adelaide for him, “packed my life here in Canada, left my family and friends, to be with him.. happy and excited”. You lived with him in his house, gardening together, fixing the house up, meeting his family and friends, “so happy. It was bliss. We were so in love”.

But stress started building up: you had trouble finding work for your specific visa, didn’t make much money, and “he was also messaging other girls, had photos of his ex girlfriends on his phone, refused to be in a relationship with me on Facebook, he teased me, poked me and prodded me, would bite me and bruise me for fun… constantly commenting on other women.. speaking to younger girls. And when you tried to talk to him about these things, “he would run away.. leave me in this house by myself”.

Eight to nine months in, you “totally blew up at him”, he walked away, you went after him, he pushed you away, you fell on the ground, your face scraped and he “just left me there alone on the ground”. You then went back to his house and “started to break things.. made a mess”. When he was back to his house and saw the mess, he told you to leave, and so  did his parents, “They all very harshly wanted me gone”. You then cleaned up the mess you created in his house, packed your things and flew back to Canada.

Back in Canada, blocked by him on social media,  “The loss and grief and anxiety and depression is the worst I’ve ever felt”.

“Now I am home in Canada in quarantine and lock down due to this corona virus.. I can’t go see my friends, there’s nowhere to  go.. Will he ever reach out to me again? Am I a terrible person? What can I do to help ease this pain? Have any of you ever had an experience like this?..”

My input: regarding your last question: the whole world is experiencing lock down, nowhere to go. Many millions, billions of people are living in fear, in their homes, with nowhere to go, just like you. So indeed, you are not the only one.

But the situation, for you, is better now than it would have been if you were locked down with him, living with him in his house, or your apartment if you were in Australia. Imagine an alcohol and drug infused argument and he.. not walking away. Imagine the violence that can ensue, more than the biting, the bruising, the breaking that already happened. It could end up with one of you or both spending a lot of time in prison.

So congratulate yourself for a relationship that ended just on time, before this pandemic. Do your best to relax. Before the pandemic I used to watch comedy shows online, one of the comedian I watched was Trevor Noah doing stand up and then his show in front of a live audience in New York City. Next thing, he is locked in his NYC apartment, but thankfully he is now doing The Daily Social Distancing Show.. from his couch to mine. So I am watching that (I don’t like watching live audiences online because it feels like history long gone, people being close to each other, makes me sad).

Music can make you feel better, hot showers, hot baths… guided meditations. Perhaps you can take a walk outside (?) as long as social distancing is kept, take in some fresh air. Post here anytime, if typing away your thoughts and feelings help you.

There are plenty of advice, including on the home page of this website, as how to survive this pandemic.

Back to the guy: in the early stage of the relationship, when he refused to talk with you by jumping off your balcony, or running out of your front door- that was not a behavior that you should have ignored, and build a relationship around it.

The fact that he was not ready for a committed monogamous relationship is very clear. He behaved like a .. crazy man on drugs, and you.. well, behaved like it too, both impulsive and crazy. Good thing it didn’t turn deadly.

I hope you and him are never together again. Really, there has to be a better choice for you, after you do attend psychotherapy so to be able to make better choices in life. I myself made lots of poor choices, wasted lots of time, my whole youth really.. impulsive, crazy at times.

Use this lock down time to calm down, and prepare for a better life for yourself one you ..once we are all free again.

anita