Dear Joe:

I came across something I researched a few months ago that may help you to. It is about the concept of habituation, defined as the diminishing of a physiological or emotional response to a frequently repeated stimulus.

Habituation allows people to tune out non-essential stimuli and focus on the things that really demand attention. The repeated stimulus in your case is the thoughts and images of this woman. Habituation will be about diminishing your intense physiological/ emotional response to the thoughts and images of her.

An example of habituation is getting used to (being less bothered by) traffic noise outside a person’s home. At first the noise bothers us a lot, over time, we are less and less bothered.

Relaxing first and then bringing up her image in your own mind, during a guided/ other meditation, and doing it repeatedly over time, will habituate your brain to the image/ thought of her.

I wrote to another member today regarding two website I came across today with lots and lots of information on Mindfulness, meditations and exercises, and more. The first is www. mindful. org (no spaces). Click on “getting started” at the top, and you can get started.

Here is one exercise offered in this website: it is called STOP. You can use it any time you find yourself thinking about this woman:

S- Literally, just stop what you’re doing, rest, pause.

T- Take a conscious breath, a deeper breath, or two.

O- Observe your thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations. Instead of getting tense, overwhelmed, trying to get rid of the thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations (removing them from your awareness), hold them gently in your awareness, with compassion for yourself, breathe into them, relax.

P- “Proceed with intentionality, taking the next step in your day from this place of strength, wisdom and presence”.

If you need another website on mindfulness with tons of information and exercises, you can look at positivepsychology. com/ mindfulness- exercises- techniques- activities (no spaces).

One of the exercises is under “Mindfulness Techniques for Anger” section (it applies not just to anger, but other painful, distressing emotions). It reads there that mindfulness helps create space between the stimulus (thought/ image of this woman) and an immediate, impulsive response (your painful emotional responses).

The exercise, applying it to your situation, would be for you to sit comfortably, eyes closed, draw in a few deep breaths, then bring her image to your mind,  notice what you feel, where in your body you feel what you feel, bring compassion to yourself,  and as calmly as you can, say goodbye to her image in your brain.

Say: goodbye (her name)-

Do so repeatedly, maybe at night before you go to bed, when you are tired and relaxed, bring her to your mind, and calmly tell her goodbye.

anita